Sage Solutions
Advice and insight about personal growth, personal development, and becoming your best self.
Sage Solutions
Boundaries: The Ultimate Act of Self-Respect
Have you ever found yourself saying yes while every fiber of your being screamed no? That small act of self-betrayal often leads to a quiet but persistent resentment that can ultimately poison our most important relationships.
Boundaries are frequently misunderstood as selfish acts or walls we build to keep others out. The truth is quite the opposite – they're the guidelines that define where you end and others begin. They're not punishments or arbitrary rules imposed on others, but standards you uphold for yourself out of deep self-respect. When we consistently allow our boundaries to be crossed, we send a powerful message to ourselves and the world that our needs don't matter, gradually eroding our self-worth and leading to burnout.
Why is setting boundaries so difficult? Many of us were conditioned from childhood to be people-pleasers, taught that keeping peace at our own expense was the right thing to do. We fear disappointing others, being seen as selfish, or triggering conflict. Yet as Dr. Brené Brown brilliantly puts it, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."
The most powerful tool for communicating boundaries effectively is the "I statement" – a three-part formula that shifts focus from accusation to personal experience: "I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] because [impact on you]." This approach prevents defensiveness and creates space for mutual understanding. For example, instead of "You're so inconsiderate calling this late," try "I feel flustered when I get calls about non-urgent matters after 10pm because that's my time to decompress."
Research confirms that people with healthy boundaries experience significantly less burnout and greater wellbeing. Start small this week by identifying one low-stakes boundary to practice. Notice the discomfort – that's the feeling of choosing yourself – and the sense of peace that follows. Your time and energy are precious resources worth protecting through clear, compassionate boundaries.
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The Sage Solutions Podcast and content posted by David Sage is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. No coaching client relationship is formed by listening to this podcast. No Legal, Medical or Financial advice is being given. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a psychotherapist, physician, professional coach, Lawyer or other qualified professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk about all things personal growth, personal development and becoming your best self. My name is David Sage and I am a self-worth and confidence coach with Sage Coaching Solutions. Have you ever found yourself saying yes to something while every fiber of your being was screaming no? Maybe it was agreeing to another project at work when your plate was already overflowing. Or perhaps it was lending money you couldn't really spare, or attending a social event when all you really needed was a quiet night in. You say yes and in the moment, a little piece of you just wilts Resentment. It starts quietly brewing in the background and building over time. If that sounds familiar, then I think this episode is for you, because today we are talking about one of the most vital yet often misunderstood skills for a healthy life setting boundaries Before we get into it. Our goal with this podcast is to share free, helpful tools with you and anyone you know who is looking to improve their life. So take action, subscribe and share this podcast with them. We're about to dismantle the myth that boundaries are selfish, explore why they're one of the ultimate acts of self-respect and, most importantly, I'm going to give you a powerful, practical framework for communicating your boundaries in a way that people can actually hear you without getting defensive. Now, whether somebody gets defensive or not is not something that's actually in your locus of control, but what we can do is optimize for preventing it. We don't want to be the spark that ignites a fire of defensiveness, because defensiveness often leads to people shutting down and not listening to what we have to say. So let's get into it.
Speaker 1:What exactly is a boundary? I think we hear the word thrown around a lot, but the definition can feel a bit fuzzy. Simply put, a boundary is the line where you end and someone else begins. It's not a wall you build to shut people out. It's not a sanction or a punishment or arbitrary rules that you set on other people. It's a gate you install and you get to decide who and what you let in. Boundaries are the guidelines and the rules you create for yourself that dictate what is reasonable, safe and permissible for other people's behavior towards you and how you'll respond when someone crosses those lines. They can be physical, like needing personal space. They can be emotional, like not being willing to be somebody's emotional dumping ground. They can be about your time, like not taking work calls after 7 pm.
Speaker 1:And here's the crucial part Not having boundaries doesn't make you a nicer or better person. It makes you a more tired, more resentful and more burned out person. You teach people how to treat you through your actions, your language and your boundaries. When we consistently let our boundaries be crossed, we are sending a message to ourselves and to the world that our needs don't matter. Over time, that chips away at your self-worth. It leads to burnout, anxiety and can completely erode our most important relationships, because true connections struggle to exist while resentment is present. You can't genuinely connect with someone when you're secretly frustrated with them for taking advantage of the space you never told them that they couldn't occupy.
Speaker 1:But if boundaries are so important, why is setting a boundary one of the hardest things for so many of us to do? Well, it usually comes down to fear, fear and discomfort. There's a fear of disappointing someone. There's a fear of being seen as selfish or mean. There's a fear of conflict, that if you say no, the other person will get angry and or defensive. For many of us, we're conditioned from a young age to be people pleasers, to be agreeable, to not rock the boat. This can lead us to learn the maladaptive lesson, that keeping the peace, even at our own expense, is always the right thing to do and, to be honest, sometimes it is. We embrace shades of gray on this podcast, and there are times where putting our own well-being to the side to keep the peace or to prevent a problem can be the right choice, but this should not be an automatic response.
Speaker 1:Setting boundaries is about upholding standards for yourself. So, to challenge it, I want to say this Is it truly kind to allow someone to treat you in a way that makes you feel bad? Is it loving to say yes with your mouth while your heart says no, leading you to eventually resent that person? Is it helpful to repeatedly teach people the wrong way to treat you further, incentivizing them to keep doing it? Or are you really misleading them by doing that? The kindest, most loving thing you can do for yourself and for the health of your relationships is to be clear and honest about what is and isn't okay for you.
Speaker 1:And this brings me to one of my favorite thinkers on this topic, the incredible researcher Dr Brene Brown. She actually has a quote that completely reframed boundaries for me. She said daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. It's not about pushing others away. It's about having the courage to love yourself. It's a profound act of self-compassion. Setting and upholding boundaries is a kindness to yourself. All right, so we've established the what and the why of boundaries. If you're with me right now, then you're ready to be courageous and to show some love to yourself with boundaries.
Speaker 1:But how do we practically do this? How do you say what you need to say without the other person immediately throwing up a wall of defensiveness? This is where so many of us stumble. We wait until we're at our breaking point and then the boundary comes out, sounding like an accusation or, if we're being honest, it is. We might say something like you are so inconsiderate, you always call me late at night and expect me to talk, and then we throw in you have no respect for my boundaries, which oftentimes we haven't set that boundary in the first place. That's not how boundaries work.
Speaker 1:And in this situation, instantly the other person is feeling attacked, possibly blindsided. They hear the word you. They hear the word always calling them specifically out and using an infinitive which their brain is likely to want to fight, because they don't always do it at least most likely and then their brain goes into fight or flight. Their amygdala activates, their stress levels spike and their prefrontal cortex slows down. They're not listening to your need anymore. They're busy defending their own character. You have activated their ego. So the solution is one of the most powerful communication tools that you can ever learn the I statement.
Speaker 1:An I statement flips the script. It takes the focus off of accusing the other person and instead puts the focus on your experience. It's not about what they did wrong. It's about how their actions affected you. This falls in line with the true purpose of a boundary. Boundaries are not sanctions or punishments for other people. They are standards that you uphold for yourself out of respect for yourself. We are not setting boundaries to weaponize or to punish others. We are setting boundaries for ourselves. Using an I statement accomplishes this.
Speaker 1:A well-structured I statement generally has a simple three-part formula. I feel has a simple three-part formula. I feel. State your emotion and try to state the emotion as accurately as I can Whenever possible. Don't use blanket emotions like happy, sad, mad. Try and use an emotion word that actually fits as close to how you actually feel as possible. This helps the other person understand you better, because there's a difference between using words like pissed off and using words like annoyed. There's a strength of connotation and of intensity and feeling that is wildly different between the two. So, first, I feel, state your emotion. Second, when, describe the specific behavior in a non-judgmental way. This can go something like I feel annoyed when you interrupt me mid-sentence.
Speaker 1:Now I actually personally think that it is even better, when possible, to take the you out of the statement altogether, because it makes it even less personal. The key to this is starting with I making it about your standards, your boundaries, following up with the second part, which is when. But the when is the most dangerous part of this, because it's very easy to say I feel upset when you act like a complete asshole, which kind of defeats the purpose of what we're doing here, because you are calling them out specifically and it is accusatory language. This is often used as a cop out of saying what I was. I was making an I statement, this isn't about you. If you're actually trying to have success with your boundaries, you shouldn't be trying to win here. This isn't about them, this is about you.
Speaker 1:So the best way I could probably say that is I feel annoyed when people don't let me finish my sentences because it makes me feel like they don't care about what I have to say. Notice how different this is than you're such an asshole. You never let me finish my sentences. It's a difference in focus. So step one, I feel, state your emotion. Step two, when describe the specific, non-judgmental behavior. Step three, because and then explain the impact that it has on you the first time that you set a boundary, especially if it's not setting a major boundary, you don't actually need the fourth step. However, if you've set a boundary and then somebody has gone on to cross that boundary again, that's when we bring in the fourth step. So what I need is would you follow up with a clear, actionable, reasonable request?
Speaker 1:We also have to be realistic with our boundaries Because, just like everything else, there are shades of gray to boundaries. Setting a boundary is not pure upside. There's always a trade-off. Now, sometimes the trade-off is almost nothing and the boundary is wildly beneficial and having boundaries is a very clearly helpful thing. But if you set unrealistic boundaries such as unrealistic boundaries such as I will not tolerate anyone ever disagreeing with me. You're going to have a hell of a time in life Because people are going to disagree with you. So if you're going to always walk away anytime anyone disagrees with you, you're never going to learn new things and you're likely going to alienate the mass majority of your relationships. So it is important that we think about realistic boundaries as well.
Speaker 1:So, to rein it back in, let's rework that late-night phone call scenario. Instead of you're so inconsiderate for calling this late, what is wrong with you? Try, hey, I feel flustered when I get calls about non-urgent things after 10pm because my day job is stressful and that's my time to unwind and disconnect from that stressful day so that I can get a good night's sleep. What I need is for us to catch up during the day or early evening so that I can take care of myself. Do you feel the difference? There's no accusation. There's no infinitives. Like you always, you never. You're simply stating your reality. You're owning your feelings and clearly, kindly, stating your need. It is incredibly difficult for someone to argue with how you feel. They can argue about whether they're inconsiderate, but they can't really argue with the fact that you feel flustered. So let's try another one and let's put this one in a work context.
Speaker 1:Your colleague keeps asking you to take over last-minute tasks right before you're supposed to leave. After this continues to happen, it's easy to get pent up to a point where you fall into this accusatory you statement. You need to stop dumping your work on me at 4.55 when I'm done at 5. It's just not fair. Instead, we're going to use an effective I statement. I feel overwhelmed when I'm handed new tasks right at the end of the day because I'm trying to wrap up my own projects and leave on time Going forward. What I need is to receive any new assignments sometime before three so that I can actually plan accordingly and do something with it.
Speaker 1:It's clear, it's kind, it's firm. It's not personal, it's professional. It sets a boundary while preserving the relationship. This formula is a game changer. It takes practice, but it's a skill that will serve you in your career, your friendships and your family for the rest of your life. Remember, this isn't about them. Don't focus on what they've done wrong. Focus on the boundary that you're setting for yourself, which means, besides stating how you feel, try to state your boundary in a clear, calm, kind, yet firm way, and turn some compassion in on yourself as one of the motivating factors for doing this.
Speaker 1:Then, using an I statement in the way that we just described. You set your boundary, but even when you do it perfectly, it's easy to feel like, okay, now what do we do? It's going to be really awkward after this, unless a major boundary was crossed and it is a very big deal, which is a very different situation than what we've been talking about, especially if you're setting it for the first time. If you're just looking to clearly set that boundary, get them to acknowledge and understand or whatever you need to do, and then move on. It's your job, then, to not be awkward about it. Just move on to another topic, talk about other things as if nothing happened. You just took a pause, you set that line and then you kept on with your conversation. There's no need for them to feel embarrassed or punished or awkward, because that's not the point. Oftentimes, people are worried that you're still feeling this residual feeling and holding it over them. So the best thing that you can do is move on and just act normal, because it doesn't really need to be addressed unless it comes up again, and when that happens, you hold firm to that boundary. Now for those who are a bit skeptical, or more data-driven, you might be thinking this all sounds nice, but does it really make a difference? The answer is a resounding yes, and there's research to prove it.
Speaker 1:The concept of boundaries is closely linked to what psychologists call self-differentiation. Linked to what psychologists call self-differentiation the ability to maintain your sense of self while in a close emotional relationship with others. A fascinating body of research shows a direct link between healthy boundaries and mental well-being. For example, a 2019 study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology examined the impact of employees setting clear boundaries between their work and home lives. The researchers found that individuals who were able to set and maintain these segmentation boundaries not like checking emails at night or taking a full lunch break reported significantly lower levels of emotional exhaustion and burnout and higher levels of job satisfaction and overall well-being. So this isn't just some self-help idea. It's a scientifically-backed strategy for preventing burnout and building a sustainable, fulfilling life. By setting these small, consistent boundaries, you are actively protecting your most valuable resource yourself your life, your energy.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we've covered a lot today. We talked about what boundaries are, why they're so hard but so necessary, and we dove into the powerful formula of the I statement. But knowledge is only potential power. Action is where the real power lies. Life is like a muscle, so take action and build it. Life is like a muscle, so take action and build it. And guess what? Just like every other skill, setting boundaries is a skill, and skills are built like a muscle. So here's some action that you can take, starting this week.
Speaker 1:I don't want you to go out and try to set a dozen massive boundaries with the most difficult people in your life. That's a recipe for overwhelm and, frankly, it might not be a terrible thing to get a little practice under your belt before setting the big ones. We're going to start small. Your task is to identify one low stakes area where you can set a small, clear boundary. Maybe it's telling a friend hey, I'd love to hear about this, but I only have 10 minutes to chat right now. Maybe it's deciding not to check your work email after 8 pm and sticking to it just for one night to see the difference. Maybe it's saying no, thank you. Or I'm going to have to pass to a small request you'd normally say yes to purely out of obligation or even just habit. Whatever it is, practice it and, if it feels right, try using the I feel when, because formula. This often comes into play during medium to large boundaries, and I also want to be clear that using this formula, or even just I statements in general, is not exclusive to boundary setting. You can use parts or all of this framework to do a better job of sharing how you feel without having other people get defensive.
Speaker 1:Another thing I would highly recommend is pay attention to how it feels. It might feel uncomfortable at first. In fact it will. Your heart might race a little. That's normal. That's the feeling of you choosing yourself. Stay with it, expand your comfort zone, notice that the world doesn't fall apart, notice the small sense of peace and integrity that follows, because that's what this is all about Building a life that feels honest and true to you, one courageous choice at a time. Boundaries are one of the foundations of that life. They are one of the ultimate expressions of self-worth telling the world and yourself that you are worthy of respect, worthy of rest and worthy of your own care. Rest and worthy of your own care and remember you are enough and you deserve to fill up your inner cup with happiness, true confidence and resilience.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Sage Solutions Podcast. Your time is valuable and I'm so glad that you continue to choose to learn and grow here with me. We'd love to hear your feedback, so click the link in the description and let us know what you think. If you haven't already, don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on more sage advice. One last thing the legal language. This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. No-transcript.