Sage Solutions
Advice and insight about personal growth, personal development, and becoming your best self.
Sage Solutions
The Art of Letting Go
Are you weighed down by an invisible backpack filled with regrets, grudges, and disappointments? That mental burden isn't just emotionally exhausting—it's physically harming you.
Picture yourself hiking a beautiful mountain trail. With each step, the view improves, but you're distracted by a heavy backpack. Inside are rocks representing every grudge, mistake, and disappointment you've collected. Initially manageable, this burden has become overwhelming, preventing you from enjoying the journey. Sound familiar?
This episode explores the transformative art of letting go through three essential pillars: detachment, forgiveness, and acceptance. Drawing from cutting-edge research by Dr. Karsten Roche at Concordia University, we examine how holding onto bitterness raises cortisol levels, endangering your physical health. Dr. James Pennebaker's groundbreaking studies demonstrate how expressive writing creates space between you and painful memories, improving immune function and psychological wellbeing.
Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness isn't about condoning what happened or reconciling with those who hurt you. It's an internal process of canceling emotional debts that may never be paid, as meditation teacher Jack Kornfield beautifully expressed: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." True acceptance isn't defeat—it's acknowledging reality without judgment, freeing your energy to focus on what you can control.
Leave with practical, actionable strategies to release emotional burdens: acknowledge feelings without judgment, reframe narratives from victim to learner, and perform physical release rituals. Start small by removing just one "rock" from your invisible backpack this week. Remember, letting go isn't a destination but a muscle that strengthens with practice.
Every time you choose release, you create space for joy, peace, and presence. Your freedom awaits. Subscribe for more insights on becoming your best self, and share this episode with someone who might need to lighten their invisible load today.
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The Sage Solutions Podcast and content posted by David Sage is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. No coaching client relationship is formed by listening to this podcast. No Legal, Medical or Financial advice is being given. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a psychotherapist, physician, professional coach, Lawyer or other qualified professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk about all things personal growth, personal development and becoming your best self. My name is David Sage and I am a self-worth and confidence coach with Sage Coaching Solutions. So I want you to do a quick mental check-in with me. How heavy is your backpack today? And I don't mean the one that you might be carrying with your laptop or gym clothes or, if you're a student, maybe books and school supplies. I mean the other one, the invisible one, the one filled with that mistake you made three years ago, the one carrying the cutting remark someone said to you last month, the one weighed down by the future you planned for yourself. That didn't quite pan out. How heavy is that backpack? Let's do a little thought experiment.
Speaker 1:Imagine you're hiking up a beautiful mountain, the sun is warm, the view is getting better and better and you woke up ready to go. But you're carrying this backpack and in that backpack you've been placing a rock. For every single time someone has wronged you, for every mistake that you've made, for every outcome that didn't go your way. At first it's just a few pebbles, feels a little weird, kind of annoying, but manageable. But after a few miles, after a few years. That backpack is overflowing, it's heavy, it's digging into your shoulders, slowing you down and, honestly, making you miserable. You're so focused on the weight on your back that you can't even enjoy the incredible view in front of you. That backpack, my friends, is the weight of the things we refuse to let go, and today we're going to talk about how to finally set that bag down.
Speaker 1:Our topic is profound and often challenging the art of letting go. If you're feeling a little strain in your shoulders just thinking about it, you're not alone. We are all carrying something. You're not alone. We are all carrying something, but before we get into it, our goal with this podcast is to share free, helpful tools with you and anyone you know who is looking to improve their life. So take action, subscribe and share this podcast with them. Subscribe and share this podcast with them.
Speaker 1:Now, I know letting go can feel like a vague, fluffy personal development term. You know something that you see on a motivational poster with a picture of a sunset. But what does it actually mean? How do you actually do it? It's not a switch you can just flip. If it were, we'd all be walking around as light as a feather.
Speaker 1:The truth is, letting go is a skill, it's a practice and, like any other skill, we build it like a muscle. Remember, life is like a muscle, so take action and build it. But this skill is arguably one of the most essential skills for our mental health, our happiness and even our physical well-being. It's also an essential part of one of my other core fundamentals Focus on your locus of control. Locus of control. Building the skill of letting go of things, letting go specifically of the things that you have no control over, is a vital part of focusing on your locus. We're going to unpack why it's so important and then we're going to get into the how, the real, tangible strategies that you can start using today. So, as Simon Sinek would say, let's start with why. Why is it so crucial to put the backpack down?
Speaker 1:Holding on to past hurts, regrets and anger is not a passive activity. It takes active, continuous energy. Think about it. When you're ruminating on an old argument, you're replaying it, analyzing it, feeling it. Feeling all those old emotions, the anger, the embarrassment, the hurt, all over again. It's like picking at the scab of a wound until it reopens. Your body doesn't really know the difference. It's experiencing that stress as if it's happening now. This isn't just a feeling. It's backed by science. Not that feelings aren't backed by science anyways.
Speaker 1:There's a fascinating body of research from Dr Karsten Roche, a professor of psychology at Concordia University. For years he has studied the impact of regret and the inability to let go. In one of his studies, his team found that persistent bitterness and the failure to disengage from unattainable goals can have serious physical consequences. They found it was linked to higher levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, and we know that chronic high cortisol is linked to everything from a weakened immune system and sleep problems to an increased risk for depression and heart disease. So let's be clear Holding onto this stuff is not just making you mentally exhausted, it's physically harming you. It's like trying to drive forward while staring intently in the rearview mirror. You're not only missing the beautiful scenery in front of you, you're almost guaranteed to crash.
Speaker 1:Letting go isn't about saying what happened was okay. It's not about condoning someone's behavior or absolving a past mistake. It's about saying what happened is in the past and I will no longer allow it to have power over my present and my future. It's about taking your energy back. It's an act of self-preservation. So what exactly is it that we're holding onto so tightly.
Speaker 1:It usually falls into one of a few categories. First, there are the grudges against others. Someone betrayed you, they let you down, they treated you unfairly. The anger feels justified, right, you know they were in the wrong. It feels like a shield protecting you, but that's just an illusion protecting you, but that's just an illusion. A grudge is really just a poison that you continue to drink daily, hoping that the other person will die. They've likely moved on and sadly, you're the one left reliving the pain.
Speaker 1:Second, we hold on to regrets about our own actions, the job you didn't take, the words you wish you could take back, the decision that led you down a path you didn't want. We punish ourselves over and over and over Just for being human, for being imperfect. And third, likely the most subtle of these three, is that we hold on to the ghost of who we thought we would be. We had a timeline Married by 30, corner office by 40, kids, a house, the whole nine yards, and when we didn't match that blueprint, we hold on to the disappointment like a failed project instead of seeing it as a simple and often beautiful detour. Regrets, grudges and disappointments.
Speaker 1:I'm going to break it down into three essential pillars, of letting go that line up with the three that I just said Detachment, forgiveness and acceptance. This isn't about forgetting, it's about freedom. Let's get into the first pillar, detachment. Now I know you might be thinking detachment sounds cold. Right, it sounds like not caring. But that's not what we're talking about at all. True, emotional detachment isn't about being a robot, it's about shifting your perspective. It's the practice of observing your thoughts and feelings without letting them consume you.
Speaker 1:There's a quote by Jay Shetty in his book Think Like a Monk. He says Detachment doesn't mean owning nothing. It means letting nothing own you. He also says that detachment is a process, not a destination. Think of it like this you can either be caught in a raging river, tossed around by the current, or you can be standing on the riverbank watching the water rush by. Detachment is learning how to get to the riverbank. You still see the anger, the sadness bank. You still see the anger, the sadness, the regret. You acknowledge it, but you are not in it. You create space.
Speaker 1:But how do we do that? Well, it starts with mindfulness. Remember you are the consciousness that experiences your life. Acknowledge that a thought is just a thought, not a fact, not a command Observe it. When that painful memory or wave of resentment comes up. Instead of wrestling with it, you can simply say to yourself there's that thought again, I see you. By naming it, you separate yourself from it. You become, or actually reclaim being the observer.
Speaker 1:And there's some fascinating science that backs this up. There's a body of research pioneered by Dr James Pennebaker at the University of Texas, who studied the effects of expressive writing. In his studies, he had participants write about their deepest, most traumatic experiences for just 15 to 20 minutes over a few consecutive days. The results were astounding. These individuals showed improved immune function, lower stress levels and better long-term psychological well-being. Writing these things out on paper and becoming the observer allowed them to detach from those thoughts, from that pain, from those memories.
Speaker 1:Why? Because this act of translating turbulent emotions into language forces you to create structure and narrative. It helps you step out of the chaos and become the narrator of your story. Remember, we are constantly telling ourselves stories. But you can choose to be the writer Rather than just the victim of the plot. We don't want to step into a victim mindset. It strips us of all of our agency and makes us feel powerless, but using a strategy like writing it out is a powerful act of detachment. You're getting the story out of your body and onto the page, creating that critical space between you and your pain. So one strategy that we can use is to grab a notebook, set a timer for 15 minutes and write about what's weighing you down. Don't worry about grammar or spelling, just write. See what it feels like to get out of the river and onto the riverbank. So once we've started creating that space through detachment, what do we do with what's in it?
Speaker 1:This is where we move on to the most prominent areas that we need to let go, which is often either a grudge or a regret. Let's start with a grudge. This grudge usually has a deep sense of injustice built in, and that brings us to our second and arguably most difficult pillar forgiveness. Let's be real for a second. The word forgiveness is loaded. We think it means condoning what happened. We think it means we have to call up the person who hurt us and say it's okay, I forgive you and I'm letting you off the hook for that. But none of those things are actually required for forgiveness. It's one of the most profound misunderstandings of what forgiveness truly is and what it's for Now to be clear. You can verbally forgive somebody, and somebody can come to you seeking forgiveness, and sometimes that may be the way that you want to go about it. Letting a person know that you forgive them can be a powerful step in mending a relationship, but there are many a times where somebody does something where they don't deserve forgiveness and you don't want to mend that relationship.
Speaker 1:The process that we're talking about today, however, is an internal forgiveness. This type of forgiveness has almost nothing to do with the other person and it has everything to do with us, with you. There's a quote by the renowned meditation teacher Jack Kornfield that captures this perfectly. He said To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. Jay Shetty says that revenge is hurting yourself when you are mad at someone else, but forgiveness is healing yourself when you are mad at someone else. Let these quotes sink in for a minute. Holding on to a grudge is like drinking that poison and expecting the other person to die, but you are the one that carries the anger. You are the one whose stomach is tied in knots when you think of them. You are the one who is a prisoner to the past.
Speaker 1:Internal forgiveness is not reconciliation. It's not even forgetting. It is the conscious decision to let go and cancel the emotional debt. You've been waiting for an apology or for justice that may never come. By forgiving, we are taking control of our locus of control. By forgiving, we are taking control of our locus of control. By forgiving, we are focusing on our locus and using our agency to heal ourselves. By forgiving, you stop waiting. You take back your power. You stop allowing that person or that situation to have control over your present emotional state. You are setting yourself free from the poison from the prison.
Speaker 1:But how do we begin this process of forgiveness? Start small. Maybe it's forgiving your parent for a comment they made that stuck with you. Maybe it's forgiving a friend for a promise they broke, and this is a big one. It's also forgiving yourself for a mistake that you can't seem to move past. That's right. Regret is like holding a grudge against yourself for not being perfect. Internal forgiveness, for yourself and for others, can set you free.
Speaker 1:A simple way to practice forgiveness is to close your eyes, bring the person or situation to mind and silently repeat to yourself I release you from the debt you owe me. I don't condone your actions, but I'm choosing to let go. I'm choosing forgiveness to give myself peace. You don't have to feel it 100% at first. Just the act of stating the intention begins to loosen the chains. This brings us to our third and final pillar, the one that ties it all together Acceptance.
Speaker 1:If detachment is seeing the river from the bank and forgiveness is letting go of the anger you have towards the river for flowing so violently, then acceptance is acknowledging that the river is just a river. It is what it is. Acceptance is not defeat. It's not saying you like what happened or that it was okay. It's simply surrendering to the reality of what it is. You cannot change the past. Fighting with reality is a battle. You will lose 100 of the time. It is the ultimate source of suffering. Frankly, we don't need to fight with reality, because the mass majority of your experience of reality is shaped by your perspective of reality, not even the reality itself.
Speaker 1:The moment you accept what happened, you can finally put your energy where it matters. You can finally put your energy where it matters On the present, on the future, on what you can control, focus on your locus. You stop asking why did this happen to me? And you start asking okay, this happened, what now? That shift in language is the single most powerful move you can make when it comes to letting go. It's the difference between being stuck in the mud and taking the first step out of it. It's looking at your reality square in the face without judgment and saying okay, this is my starting point. Acceptance allows forgiveness to feel real. It allows detachment to be a state of peace, not avoidance. It's the fertile ground where letting go can finally take root. So let's move on to the solutions. Part of this podcast no fluff. Part of this podcast no fluff, just strategy, actionable tools that you can use in your life. Here are three practical steps to start practicing the art of letting go.
Speaker 1:Acknowledge and name it. You cannot let go of something you refuse to look at. We spend so much energy pushing these feelings down, pretending we're fine. Stop. Give yourself permission to feel it. Say it out loud. I am angry at my friend for what they said. I feel deep regret about how I handled that situation. I am sad that my life doesn't look the way I thought it would. I am sad that my life doesn't look the way I thought it would. Give the emotion a name. By acknowledging it, you take away its shadowy power. You bring it out into the light. The feeling is valid. It's a reaction to it that you have the power to change. Remember detachment. Don't judge it, just observe it. There is that feeling of resentment again. Hello, old friend, I see you. This act of mindfulness creates a tiny bit of space between you and the feeling and in that space you have a choice Reframe the narrative.
Speaker 1:Every story can be told from a different perspective. Right now, you might be telling the story from the perspective of a victim or a failure. Let's try to reframe it from the perspective of a learner. Instead of asking why did this happen to me, ask what did this teach me about myself? What did this teach me about my boundaries? How did this experience, as painful as it was, make me stronger or wiser? We're not looking for toxic positivity. It's about extracting a lesson. That terrible breakup it taught you what you truly need in a partner. That job you lost. It pushed you to discover a passion you never knew you had. You can't change the events of the past, but you have control over the stories that you tell yourself about them. Today, reclaim your role as the author of your life story, not just a character in it.
Speaker 1:Release as a physical act. Our minds and bodies are deeply connected. Sometimes, to convince our mind that something is over, we need to perform a physical act. This can be a small, private ritual. One of the most powerful is the write and burn method. Write a letter to the person you're angry with. Pour out every single thing you want to say uncensored, Don't hold back. Then read it aloud to yourself, let yourself feel it and then safely burn it. As you watch the paper turn to ash, visualize the hold that it has on you turning to ash as well. Visualize letting it go, releasing it to the universe. Now you don't have to burn it. If burning isn't your thing, you can write it on a rock and throw it into a lake. You can write it on a piece of paper and shred it. You can even type it all out in a document, then drag the file to the trash to empty it. The act itself is a powerful symbol to your subconscious mind. This is complete. I am moving on. So to recap our strategy one, acknowledge and name it. Two, reframe the narrative. And three, perform the physical act of getting it out and releasing it.
Speaker 1:As Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh said letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. Now, I don't 100% agree that freedom is the only condition for happiness. Now, I don't 100% agree that freedom is the only condition for happiness, but it's a major one. When you're shackled to the past, you are not free. You're a prisoner in the cell of your own making. Letting go is you finding the key and walking out the door? It's not for anyone else, it's for you. So let's bring it all back to this backpack full of rocks that you've been carrying. Detachment is realizing that you're carrying a heavy bag and being able to look at the rocks inside without judgment. Forgiveness is the decision to open the bag and start taking the rocks out one by one, because you realize they are only weighing you down. And acceptance is leaving the empty bag on the side of the trail, taking a deep breath of fresh air and continuing your climb lighter and freer than before.
Speaker 1:Letting go isn't a one-and-done process. It's a skill and a practice, something you're going to have to continue doing throughout your life. That feeling might creep back in tomorrow. That's okay. When it does, you don't have to panic. You just gently guide yourself back to these steps Acknowledge it, reframe it and remind yourself that you've already let it go. The goal isn't an empty mind, free of all negative memories, because frankly, that's also completely unrealistic. You're human. The goal is to become the gatekeeper of your mind, to decide what gets to stay, what gets to have power and what is simply a story from the past chapter that you've already read.
Speaker 1:So my challenge to you this week is to think about that invisible backpack. Pick one rock in there. It doesn't have to be the biggest, heaviest rock, but what's one small pebble that you can let go of this week? Maybe it's forgiving yourself for being late to that meeting last Tuesday. Maybe it's letting go of the irritation you feel when your partner loads the dishwasher away different than you like.
Speaker 1:Start small, practice the skill. Letting go is like a muscle. So take action and build it, because every single time you choose to let something go, you get a little bit lighter. Something go, you get a little bit lighter. You create a little more space, space for joy, space for peace, space for the beautiful, unpredictable and wonderful present moment, and that is freedom. And remember you are enough and you deserve to fill up your inner cup with happiness, true confidence and resilience. Thank you for listening to the Sage Solutions Podcast. Your time is valuable and I'm so glad that you choose to learn and grow here with me. If you haven't already, don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on more sage advice. One last thing the legal language. This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. No coaching client relationship is formed. It is not intended as a substitute for the personalized advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.