Sage Solutions
Advice and insight about personal growth, personal development, and becoming your best self.
Sage Solutions
Finding Your Tribe: Why Support Systems Matter
What if the key to a longer, healthier, more fulfilling life isn't found in the latest wellness trend, but in something far more fundamental? David and Hannah Sage delve into the surprisingly powerful impact of human connection in a world that increasingly pushes us toward individualism and digital relationships.
They introduce a simple yet revealing test: Who would you call at 3 AM during an emergency? The answer often exposes the gap between our social media connections and genuine support networks. Through compelling research and personal insights, they explore how strong social ties directly impact our physical health, mental wellbeing, and even our lifespan.
Drawing from fascinating Blue Zones research, where communities worldwide enjoy exceptional longevity, they highlight how shared gardens, communal cooking, and collective problem-solving create the foundation for not just longer lives, but more meaningful ones. The podcast offers practical guidance for building authentic support systems—from immediate family and close friends to pets and broader community connections.
Perhaps most powerfully, David and Hannah challenge listeners with a counterintuitive solution for those feeling isolated: give what you wish to receive. By supporting others who feel alone, you create the very connections you're seeking. They share observations from their travels in Japan, where small community-minded acts create a fabric of care that extends to strangers.
Whether you're feeling isolated, sensing your relationships lack depth, or simply wanting to strengthen your existing connections, this episode provides actionable insights for creating the support network we all need to thrive. Because as the science clearly shows, we're simply not designed to go through life alone.
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The Sage Solutions Podcast and content posted by David Sage is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. No coaching client relationship is formed by listening to this podcast. No Legal, Medical or Financial advice is being given. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a psychotherapist, physician, professional coach, Lawyer or other qualified professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk about all things personal growth, personal development and becoming your best self. My name is David Sage and I am a self-worth and confidence coach with Sage Coaching Solutions. We are lucky enough to be joined by one of my two reoccurring co-hosts, my wife Hannah Sage.
Speaker 2:Hey, hey, let's get it.
Speaker 1:But before we get into it, our goal with this podcast is to share free, helpful tools with you and anyone you know who is looking to improve their life. You know who's looking to improve?
Speaker 2:their life. So take action, subscribe and share this podcast with them. This is step one of our 12-part series on each member of the beloved childhood classic Sesame Street. Episode one Oscar the Grouch and his outlook on life. Oscar the Grouch and his outlook on life.
Speaker 1:If we take a deep look into Oscar's philosophical values, we can see that Nihilism is the only way to live life.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:No, but in all seriousness, in this episode we're going to be talking about the power of support systems and also the incredible benefit of embracing community. These are often overlooked in our increasingly individualistic society, especially out in the West, here in America. It can be tough to find the balance between trying to do the best for yourself, your life, your family and I mean honestly develop yourself, like personal development, and doing things for the greater good, helping other people and being altruistic.
Speaker 2:Sometimes these seem like they can be at odds. I believe that they don't have to be. With the ever-increasing social media systems in place, I do think it's a lot easier to almost trick yourself into believing that you do have a community and a larger group of people. I believe you mentioned this in an episode past David, where you kind of said if you were to take a look at the relationships that you could call in the middle of the night, was that during a podcast or was that just us talking? It might have been just us talking.
Speaker 1:Actually, I think it might have come up in a book that we were both listening to.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that's right.
Speaker 1:The book was Building a Non-Anxious Life by Dr John Deloney, if anyone's interested.
Speaker 2:Okay, well then I will fill you guys in. If you were to have an emergency in the middle of the night and you had to call someone to help you, maybe watch your kids come pick you up. It's 3 am. Who do you have to call? A lot of people have a very small number of people that they would feel safe enough and would trust enough to call at that crazy late hour and trust for them to come and help them. The point that I was making with the age of social media, the amount of people that we have available to call at a moment's notice might not be as large as our Facebook friends count. As I'd say, a majority of people don't have that many people to call, unfortunately.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sort of a quality over quantity. You know, you can say I have 5,000 friends on Facebook, but if none of them would meet you out for coffee, that's not necessarily really worth much.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:No, I think you make a good point. Especially take like Reddit, where Right little bit of a sense of community by being a part of these different subreddits, almost sort of getting a little bit of identity as somebody who subscribes to that. But that's not going to give you that real sense of community that we're going to talk about in a little bit and it's definitely not going to give you that core feeling that a good support system will give you. So why don't we start with support systems and kind of break that down and get into it? Consider the feeling of sharing a success with people who genuinely celebrate your wins. This shared joy amplifies the positive emotions and reinforces your sense of accomplishment. On the flip side, when you're struggling, having a community to lean on can provide comfort, perspective and practical assistance that you might not be able to access on your own. This could be anything from a friend offering a shoulder to cry on to a neighbor helping with a task that you're feeling overwhelmed with.
Speaker 2:A quick Google search defines a support system as a network of individuals who provide an individual with practical or emotional support. This network can include family, friends, mentors, colleagues or even professional resources. The goal of a support system is to provide encouragement, advice and care to help individuals navigate challenges and to thrive.
Speaker 1:Think about a time in your life when you faced a significant challenge, Whether it's a career change, or maybe a personal loss, or even a period of intense stress. What helped you navigate those turbulent times? Chances are. The presence of supportive people. People that are a major part of your life played a crucial role in you getting through those times. We are inherently social creatures, and the connections that we forge with others are not just pleasant additions to our lives. They are fundamental to our resilience and to our growth, and the science backs this up. A wealth of research highlights the profound impact of social support on both our mental and physical health. For instance, a landmark study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that individuals with strong social ties have a significantly lower risk of mortality compared to those with weaker connections. This isn't just about feeling good. It's about actual, tangible health benefits.
Speaker 2:That's crazy what you said about the mortality rate, Because I just think about I think about the older generation and someday it'll be us as well. But when their community and the people around them start to pass and they're probably feeling like the only ones left of that subsect of people of that generation, I'm sure it's lonely and, yes, you still have other people, but they're not going to fully understand the same way as your peers would have.
Speaker 1:Right, because they're at a similar phase of life and age where they're going to have an understanding of what you're going through in a way that somebody who might be 25 years younger than you probably isn't.
Speaker 2:Right Different experiences.
Speaker 1:Well, there's also a bunch of research in longevity about how vitally important it is to have good social connections and social ties, and there's a pretty good amount of data showing that people live longer healthier if they maintain good social connections and ties. And there's a pretty good amount of data showing that people live longer healthier if they maintain good social connections and ties.
Speaker 2:That actually reminds me of a documentary that Netflix came out with a couple of years ago, and it was all about living longer, fuller, happier lives in certain areas of the world.
Speaker 1:Was this the one with Dan Buettner? Something about living to 100 in the blue zones?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, the guy with the hair.
Speaker 1:Yes, the guy with the hair. What no, the blue zone guy. He wrote like a book about it yes. So do you mind explaining, like because this was all about the blue zones, do you mind, like filling anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about? And it's like blue zones what the blue zones are totally so.
Speaker 2:Blue zones are geographic regions where people are known to live exceptionally long lives, like over 100 years old.
Speaker 1:Which is where the term centenarians and super centenarians, or people that live to 100, people that live over 100, they have like really high concentrations of those right.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm these areas. They have lower rates of chronic disease. Their lifestyle includes more physical activity as they age, lower stress. I remember them mentioning better social connections and having a community.
Speaker 1:Basically like every one of them right and they're all over the world.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's like Sardinia, greece, okinawa, japan, somewhere, melinda California or something Somewhere in California and then I think it was like Costa Rica. I used to know these by heart. I'm a little rusty.
Speaker 2:But their big thing that I mean. They all had a lot of things in common. So I definitely say go watch this documentary. It's very, very good and very insightful. However, all of them have this idea that community and surrounding yourself with people who care for you and you care for them, is a huge must to live an abundant, fall long life. Some of the examples that I remember from the documentary about having a community they would all get together and share things from each other's garden or help each other in their garden, and these are people who are 90, 100 years old, digging in the dirt on their hands and knees in each other's gardens, socializing all day and reaping the benefits of their friendship by passing all of their harvest along to other people around them, Like that's beautiful. They also had an example, which I thought was incredible, where they would pool a certain amount of their finances all together and that lump sum would go to anyone's medical bills when it came to something that would happen while aging whether someone needed a surgery.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, isn't that cool.
Speaker 1:I also remember one in Italy where they would all get together and cook together to like make a bunch of food for a number of the people in the community.
Speaker 2:But anyways, go watch this documentary, because I mean, I'm speaking for myself, but I think David was too. I cried more than I should have. It was a beautiful documentary.
Speaker 1:It was really, really, really good. I liked it for a lot of reasons. Some of the research in positive psychology demonstrates that a sense of belonging and connection to a community contributes significantly to our overall happiness and life satisfaction. When we feel seen, understood and supported, we experience lower levels of stress, anxiety and depression. Our support systems act as a buffer against life's inevitable stressors. Knowing that you have people in your corner who believe in you, who offer a listening ear or who can provide practical help can make all the difference when facing adversity. When it comes to having a support system, a support system is not just the one person that you can call in the middle of the night. Support systems are bigger and made up of a broader scope of different people, and not always even people.
Speaker 2:I mean so my cat Luffy can be part of my support system.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, in fact, let's start here. Generally, a support system starts with people's family. Now look, everyone's individual situations when it comes to family and friends are completely different, and I am generalizing here. Everyone's situation is different and some of what I'm saying may not apply to you is different, and some of what I'm saying may not apply to you, but for a lot of people, their blood relatives, their close immediate family, is a huge part of their support system, whether it be siblings, parents, children and especially spouse.
Speaker 1:These are the people that are absolutely there for you at the drop of a hat and often there for you, all the time and in your life, regularly. Then we have the next layer out, which is going to be like non-immediate family Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandchildren and very close friends, like your best friends. Now, for some people, their family is a chosen family and some of their friends are their family. Other people have taken somebody on as a parental figure and that person is sort of like a parent. Any of these people can be great examples of a good support system the people that have your back no matter what. The people that truly care.
Speaker 2:And then come our pets right.
Speaker 1:Yes, actually, I'm just going to let you have this one.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, I feel like then comes like neighbors and people around you, but especially your animals. So Luffy is my personal security blanket. He's actually sitting like two feet away from me on his favorite blanket just staring at me, because he's a good little boy, he is literally doing that right now. He is. But anyways, he is a great support system because, honestly, sometimes I just need to talk and not necessarily hear anyone say anything back.
Speaker 1:that's where he comes in and you know he has no judgment no, he just loves me like.
Speaker 2:I wish you guys could see him the way he's looking at me. Oh my goodness he's. He makes my heart melt we also have another cat she's great too. She's almost a little bit more your support system.
Speaker 1:Ginny is this beautiful little cat that is ultra snuggly, mostly just with me, but sometimes with Hannah.
Speaker 2:Only when I'm asleep.
Speaker 1:Or just close to asleep.
Speaker 2:She just uses me as a warm body.
Speaker 1:Anyways, everyone's going to have different situations with their animals, but a dog can be a huge benefit and a cat can be a huge benefit, or really any other pet. We're not looking to discriminate in pets here. Pets can be a great part of your support system. Often they give you unconditional love and you don't have to have as complex of a relationship with them and they can support you in very simplistic and pure ways.
Speaker 2:Like relieving your anxiety, comforting you.
Speaker 1:Or just being excited that you came home.
Speaker 2:Yeah, however, with that being said, please don't just call your dog or cat when you're having a medical emergency With that one.
Speaker 1:You actually need a live person to help you with and you can have a broader support system Some really great neighbors. Like you said, your doctor, Maybe a therapist can be a great part of your support system.
Speaker 2:Or even a work colleague or boss.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Your support system gets broader and more advanced as it spreads out. It's not just those people that are your absolute ride or dies. You build this overall support system that can help you in the tough times and celebrate you in the good times. Now, hannah and I are lucky enough to have, honestly, a really great support system. When we were going through that book, her and I had a conversation about how impressed we were with how large that number of people was for us and I'm not saying that to brag, I'm saying that out of honestly, honestly, just pure gratitude for those people and you know who you are if you're listening that are such a big part of our life and are so important to us that we hope to be a part of that for you too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we are so incredibly lucky to have the friends and family that we do have. A short, and sweet quote that I enjoy from Helen Keller is alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much. I like the simplicity of that. It's very quick to remember in the moment, especially when generally I tend to be a stuffer, like I want to stuff all of my emotions and problems down and not really let my community or David in. And I feel like that's a really good short, sweet quote to remind myself I can do more if I allow someone in than just by myself.
Speaker 1:No, that's. It's a really good quote from somebody that was in a position that obviously needed the help and helped others. But you might be thinking that all sounds great, but how do I actually build and nurture these like vital support systems? And what if I don't have someone like that? What if I don't have that support system? We're not having this podcast to shame you for not having it. That would be an incredibly counterproductive goal. What I will say is anyone can learn and grow and build these relationships if they put the time and effort in. It won't necessarily be easy. It won't necessarily come on the first try. It may require you to do a little bit of work on yourself and to do some self-reflection and acceptance. Well, let me start here. If you want to build these connections one, don't be a dickhead.
Speaker 2:Nice wording.
Speaker 1:It's actually a quote from a guest that was on Tim Ferriss' podcast recently and that is actually how he evaluates whether he should be doing something or not. He asks if he's being a dickhead and it made me laugh, but he said it was a surprisingly helpful way of evaluating whether he should do something or not. Would he come off that way? In all seriousness, be kind to other people, genuinely care about other people. If you want other people to care about you, you're going to need to genuinely care about them. You don't get to have those people be a part of your support system and not be a part of theirs. That type of a lopsided relationship is not going to breed that for you. So, second, you're probably going to need to have try to be friends with these people. Try to have good social interactions. Not just do whatever fits best for you, but actually try and make people feel validated, feel heard, be an active listener, talk about things that interest them. Be a good friend, you know.
Speaker 2:Be the friend that you wish you had.
Speaker 1:Yes. The next thing I would say is you're going to need to be vulnerable with people, oof. Yeah Well, you have to open up. You have to share some of your weaknesses. All of my closest friends know my weaknesses, both because they can see them and because I'm not afraid to share them. I am not a fast writer. I have sloppy handwriting. I am slow at a lot of tasks compared to the average person. I have my fair share of downsides. I get distracted easily with my ADHD, though oddly not when I'm listening to people. I find listening to people genuinely and intently very fascinating, so that's kind of one of the areas I've lucked out with my ADHD.
Speaker 2:You are very good at listening. I will give you that Dishes maybe not so much.
Speaker 1:Organization. Look, the list goes on and on. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. And no, I'm actually not talking to my wife, I'm talking to you, the listener. Hey, um, and nobody wants to be friends with someone that is perfect because, frankly, it doesn't exist. It's totally unrelatable, which is why being vulnerable, being open, is actually what connects you to other people. But you have to use some social awareness with this. Don't just be wildly open and overshare with any random person that you meet in an elevator. You know there's some shades of gray here. You have to find the balance. So use vulnerability in a socially intelligent way when you have built enough of a connection, or use it in smaller increments when you're first getting to know people. Be patient, take time and build these relationships slowly with people that you genuinely have an interest with.
Speaker 1:Don can really do something to take care of someone. If you're feeling lonely, go take care of someone who's feeling alone. If you're feeling unloved, go take care of someone who's feeling unloved Because, believe it or not, they're going to feel those feelings back for you, not necessarily in a romantic way. This is not what I'm talking about. What I'm saying is to give an example if you're feeling lonely. Go spend time with someone who's feeling lonely in a nursing home. The amount of joy that you would give that person and how happy they will be to see you and how happy they will be to have you come each time will make you not feel lonely. You will both be contributing and giving love to someone else and receiving it yourself. Start by giving what you'd like to receive.
Speaker 2:That's really good. I feel like sometimes we think of these big grand gestures to make people care for us more, like we need to get a big gift for them or we need to show them just how much they mean to us in these big, elaborate ways. But we could just do. Maybe we could just spend a little time with each other, whether it be listening, whether it be playing a game of chess or doing something that maybe you're not as interested in, but you know that the individual that you're doing it with is incredibly interested in this certain topic. Do something that they want to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, taking an interest in other people's interests is a great way to build connection with people that you want to have more relationship with, like. At the end of the day, it really starts with intentionality. You can start reaching out to people that you admire and connect with them. Invest time in some of your existing relationships. You can build those into the relationships that you want, if these are the right people. Consider joining groups or organizations that align with your interests. You may make some really great, genuine friends there. And don't be afraid to be vulnerable, like I said, and to share your experiences. It's often through that open honesty and vulnerability that deeper connections are forged.
Speaker 2:And piggybacking off of that. I do want to share that not everybody who's in your support system currently will be in your support system 10 years from now, or there might be people that you don't even know yet who will play a huge part in your future social circle, and not only that. There's going to be ebbs and flows in relationships, because that's just how things go. I've had people who are my main support system who no longer aren't really my main support system anymore, and other people who've been a little bit more of a peripheral part of my support system have moved deeper into that inner circle and become some of my main support system.
Speaker 1:Right, and not everyone needs to be a part of that inner core support system. Not everyone needs to be your best friend. There is something to kind of protecting your energy to a degree and finding the people that actually fit that inner support system.
Speaker 2:Right, don't shove a square knob through a circle. Well, you guys know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Square peg into a round hole.
Speaker 2:Yes, thank you, but anyways, that's actually true. So if it's a relationship or friendship, that's just not particularly meshing, it's okay to let that friendship be more of a peripheral friend. They don't have to be, like David said, in your inner circle. Keep your inner circle tight and be choosy about your people, cause those are the people who are going to shape you and support you and help you grow and learn and to be there with you through all the happiest times of your life.
Speaker 1:And I don't know if I would use the term be choosy, but I agree with you in sentiment. I would just say be intentional that's better. Yes, um, you don't have to be like snobby or picky with it. Not that I think you were saying that.
Speaker 1:I just think it could be interpreted that way intentional is a much better word for that because, at the end of the day, there's a saying that goes you are the average of the 10 people that you spend the most time with, so you might want to think about what that average makes, and if there are people that you wouldn't want to be a part of that average, then maybe they shouldn't be in those top five or 10 people.
Speaker 2:Right, no, that makes sense. I definitely think of when you're younger. I think a lot of people have this universal experience. But when you're younger and you're going to bars frequently, you tend to hang out with, like bar goer, party people who are there for a good time drinking, like it's a good time when you're 21. However, when you're 30 and not really all about that going out all the time lifestyle, you tend to those friendships tend to peter out, which I think is totally natural. You just have different values and alignments. You're heading in different directions.
Speaker 1:But sometimes they don't, because they may be changing in that same direction, which is why we have to take it as a case-by-case basis. But I totally get what you mean. When people are in very different phases of life, that disconnect often just naturally happens.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly, and it's okay.
Speaker 1:So I think we've done a pretty good job of really getting across how important a support system is and some ways to build one for yourself. So let's talk about embracing our community or communities that we're a part of. Joining or being a part of a community isn't just about receiving support. It's also about giving back. When we actively participate in our communities, whether it's through volunteering, joining local groups or simply being a supportive neighbor we cultivate a sense of purpose and belonging.
Speaker 2:Yes, that local Dungeons and Dragons group does count.
Speaker 1:Or the gardening group in the.
Speaker 2:Blue Zone Exactly.
Speaker 1:Contributing to something larger than yourself can be incredibly rewarding, and it strengthens the fabric of the entire community. One thing that we noticed when we were on our honeymoon in Japan was that there was a pervasive sense of just overall large-scale community. Everyone cared about everyone else there. Everyone did things with other people in mind. There was just an overarching feeling of community and care, and I think we could embrace more of that here in the United States.
Speaker 2:Even when it came to strangers. I remember getting on the train and it was peak busy time so it was jam packed and everyone has switched their backpack from their back to their front so that way they can be very conscious and hold on to their bag so they're not knocking into anybody else. And that's just a common norm to try to not take up as much space because you don't want to inconvenience anyone else.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly, and there are many other examples. That was just a small little example of what we saw when we were in Japan.
Speaker 1:Now I'm not suggesting that we go in and change the culture of the United States. What I am saying is that we can take some of those lessons and ways of thinking about others to take steps that better our communities and start to make some of those choices in our larger and smaller communities.
Speaker 2:I feel like we could just all use a little extra care.
Speaker 1:So how would we go about joining a community? Well, for one. We all constantly live in communities Cities, states, nations, the world, humanity, living beings, earth.
Speaker 2:Well, the internet's a great place to start, whether it be through Facebook groups, reddit groups, finding out what's local in your area. Honestly, even coffee shops by us have a bulletin board where they post about various clubs, meetings, community events and volunteer opportunities.
Speaker 1:While I do think that the internet can be a good place to start if you want to actually feel the benefits of community, oftentimes you're going to find that you're going to find that you'll have a stronger sense of community in in-person forms of community by choosing and becoming parts of some smaller subset communities that have similar interests. Not that you can't also find tight-knit communities online.
Speaker 2:Right, like taking in-person art lessons or pottery, or having a somewhat regular board game night or, honestly, maybe even joining a church.
Speaker 1:Or a softball team.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:You actually had some really good experiences with community and church growing up, didn't you?
Speaker 2:I did so. Growing up in a church, we always had volunteer opportunities, so we spent a lot of time going to nursing homes, cleaning up trash in parks, volunteering at local homeless shelters, serving meals. It was something that was very ingrained in my childhood about taking care of other people, and then it carried into my adult life as well, even when I did step away from attending regular church services. I would volunteer regularly at soup kitchens or even smaller things while I'm out on a hike and I'd bring a trash bag with me. Like it's super small and easy to be able to just clean up trash and you might even get some other people who are willing to help you with that and go for a hike and enjoy nature as well.
Speaker 1:So the moral of the story is find some broader or smaller communities that you can give back to, so that beyond just your tight-knit support system, you have a broader sense of being connected to a larger community, a community that can help, support you, but also a community that you can give back to and contribute to. Remember contribution is one of our six human needs and community is a great way to meet it.
Speaker 2:So let's go create our community. That sounds pretty good.
Speaker 1:So, as you go about your week, I encourage you to reflect on your own support systems. Are you actively nurturing those connections? Are you open to embracing the communities around you? Remember you don't have to navigate life's challenges alone. By investing in our relationships and embracing the power of community, we build a stronger foundation for personal growth, resilience and a more fulfilling life.
Speaker 2:Bye guys, thanks for listening to us and I'm excited to potentially hear what kind of communities you guys are creating.
Speaker 1:And remember you are enough and you deserve to fill up your inner cup with happiness, confidence and self-compassion. Thank you for listening to the Sage Solutions podcast. Your time is valuable and I'm so glad that you choose to learn and grow here with me. If you haven't already, don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on more Sage advice. Out on more sage advice. One last thing the legal language this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. No coaching client relationship is formed. It is not intended as a substitute for the personalized advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist. Thank you.