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Advice and insight about personal growth, personal development, and becoming your best self.
Sage Solutions
Redefining Love & Strengthening Relationships: Featuring Tannaz Hosseinpour
Discover the transformative power of communication in relationships with our insightful conversation featuring the esteemed relationship coach, Tannaz Hosseinpour. Learn how Tannaz transitioned from navigating the tumultuous world of legal disputes to empowering individuals and couples with the tools to foster healthier connections. With her guidance, we unravel the concept of "love maps" developed by the Gottman Institute, and discuss the critical importance of expressing expectations and needs clearly, moving beyond assumptions that partners are mind readers.
Explore the crucial role of appreciation and fairness in love. Tannaz and I delve into how simple acts of gratitude can strengthen bonds and create positive feedback loops in everyday interactions. We also reframe traditional views on Valentine's Day, expanding it beyond romantic love to encompass self-love and friendships, fostering a richer understanding of affection in all its forms. The discussion also zeroes in on how to "fight fair," emphasizing the need for balancing personal growth with relational skills and resolving conflicts with respect and empathy.
As we navigate the emotional intricacies of relationships, Tannaz offers profound insights into the art of vulnerability and nervous system regulation. Highlighting the Four Horsemen concept, she guides us in recognizing default conflict responses and replacing them with positive behaviors for healthier communication. Learn how deep breathing and grounding can expand your window of tolerance, and understand the significance of sharing needs with relational safety. Through this episode, prioritize self-compassion and personal growth, ensuring your happiness and confidence flourish in all your relationships.
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The Sage Solutions Podcast and content posted by David Sage is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. No coaching client relationship is formed by listening to this podcast. No Legal, Medical or Financial advice is being given. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a psychotherapist, physician, professional coach, Lawyer or other qualified professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk about all things personal growth, personal development and becoming your best self. My name is David Sage and I'm a self-worth and confidence coach with Sage Coaching Solutions. In today's episode, we are lucky enough to have a really wonderful guest on our podcast. With Valentine's coming up, I thought that having a guest on who is really an expert when it comes to relationships would provide a whole nother level of value, so we are so happy to have her here on the Sage Solutions podcast. Everyone, please welcome Tanez Hosampour. She is an established relationship coach who works with both individuals and couples on enhancing their relationships, both with themselves and in all areas of their lives, so that they can have better relationships with their co-workers, friends, family members and, especially, romantic partners. And correct me if I'm wrong, but you're actually in training to become a relationship therapist as well, correct?
Speaker 2:Yes, in training.
Speaker 1:In training Okay, awesome. And one thing that really caught my eye was that you have a little bit of a legal background, which I do as well, so I thought that that provides kind of an interesting insight, especially the area of law. But before we get into it, our goal with this podcast is to share free, helpful tools with you and anyone you know who is looking to improve their life. So take action, subscribe and share this podcast with them. Tanez also has her own established podcast and community that she started in 2017, where she interviews leading experts to share insights on relational wellness and self-growth. But, frankly, you're going to do a much better job introducing yourself than I will, so everyone, please welcome Tanez.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I'm so excited to be on, david.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I do have a background in law, in dispute resolution law and family mediation, and that's kind of what led me to relationship coaching eight years ago, because I was really confused as to why or how we end up at a place where we're fighting over you know who gets a plate and who gets a cup, but we're always, you know, when we get married, we're so in love.
Speaker 2:So what happens in between that gets us to this point? I didn't like being on the reactive side Kind of made me do a 180 and say I want to be on the proactive side of relationships, which led me to relationship coaching, getting my certifications. And over the past eight years I've been working with hundreds of clients and couples and single people who want to enter into relationships and I realized, okay, I'd like to take it a step further and started my third master's degree in counseling psychotherapy so that I could have more tools to help couples navigate relationships, because relationships are not what Disney promised us. It's not, it looks nothing like that. It actually requires work and effort and learning relational skills. So, yeah, that's how I ended up here.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you for sharing that with us. It's interesting because there's a little bit of a parallel. When I was working in elder law, I saw how the death of a loved one could really bring a family together or could really split them apart, especially over small petty things. And it's kind of another area where love and connection and relationships come in, but just in a little bit of a different way in, but just in a little bit of a different way. And it always struck me as very I don't know how else to say it but just bizarre or crazy that people would let small amounts of money or small specific items break up 50 years of family. And I'm sure it was to an even greater degree when you're working with dispute resolution and even divorce.
Speaker 1:So I wanted to ask, with Valentine's Day coming up, we just did an episode on the five love languages. I was happy to do that with my wife and I was wondering if you had any advice for a new relationship, a long-standing relationship. What is the number one thing that you would recommend people focus on coming into this time?
Speaker 2:Okay. So I think I would say and I say this often to my clients your partner is not a mind reader. Express your expectations, do not make assumptions. And the reason for this is we have five fingers on each hand they're not identical. Siblings in the same household are not identical. So people from different households, different backgrounds, different family of origins, different belief systems, they are not like you, and so what they think you're going to want might be so different from what you actually want. And unless you express your needs in a respectful, loving, invitational, warm way and I say this part in an asterisk, because it's not we don't want to dictate, we don't want to demand. We want to express and say like this is how I want to be loved.
Speaker 2:And the Gottman Institute, dr John Gottman, does such a great work on teaching us communication skills and he has this idea which he calls love maps. And what is a love map? It's you're literally giving your partner a map of how you want to be valued, how you want to be spoken to, how you want to be celebrated, and so we want to set our partner up for success. But oftentimes I notice that they're like no, he should just know, he should know that I want X, y and Z. Has he been living under a rock? I hear this often and I always have to remind people no, because he might have grown up, for example, seeing his dad buy his mom a cup of coffee and that was their love language and that meant something for them. And he'll come and he'll do the same thing for you, but that doesn't hold the same meaning for you. It doesn't hold the same value for you. So now you're disappointed, thinking my partner doesn't love me, and your partner's thinking when my mom got that coffee, she felt so loved.
Speaker 2:So it's like a huge question mark of like, what am I doing wrong? And we get stuck in this loop of like, so you don't love me enough. And then there's like this we go into different dynamics of like, pursuing, withdrawing. A lot can happen. But to simplify it, express your needs, express your expectations, let your partner know what you would like. This is how I want to be loved. This is how I want to be celebrated. This is how I want us to celebrate Valentine's Day. Have a conversation around that. Give your partner the tools to win. Set them up for success. That's what I would say.
Speaker 1:That is incredibly good advice. Just thinking through every word that you said and how, in my own relationship there are definitely times where it's so easy to fall into this. We're like how do you not know? And we just get so caught up in our own perspective that we assume the rest of the world has that same perspective. But that perspective has a million things that make it different than everyone else's, and I think the most interesting part of that is how much stronger we feel that when it's somebody that we are really close to and connected with. You know, with a coworker you're not nearly as upset if they're not understanding what you're thinking, but with your partner it's almost like you put these totally unfair expectations, like you said, on them. How would you recommend going about catching yourself or helping yourself through that process in the moment, If you feel that emotion welling up within yourself of like how could they do this? What would you recommend for, like a in the moment strategy or tactic?
Speaker 2:Pause, remove yourself from the situation because again, um, I love to always bring science into what I'm, what I'm sharing. So when we're feeling triggered and if that trigger is really strong and it creates this physiological flooding. So physiological flooding is when I want to say something but no words are coming out. So my body is in a very heightened sympathetic state, heart rate's going up, like you just feel that it's like the heat inside getting more and more. Science shows us that you know it takes a minimum of 20 minutes to regulate yourself, to balance the nervous system, and nothing good comes out of that triggered state. So when your partner does something like, let's say, you had expectations for flowers and he shows up with the coffee let's use that same example of a coffee or a tea and you're noticing something is coming up and I'm feeling really triggered. We know that, okay, the right way to approach this is saying this was what my expectation was. Can you like getting curious with each other? Like tell me what made you get the coffee?
Speaker 2:But in that moment, if you're angry, these words are not coming out, you're going to become critical, you're going to attack the person's character. The problem is no longer the problem, the problem becomes that person's character, and that's a line we don't want to cross. Or if we do cross it, we want to repair it. But to avoid that, to be proactive in our approach, we want to pause. We want to remove ourselves from the situation to help regulate. Now in my own relationship it's we need to take a time out, and when I say that word, it means I'm leaving the conversation. I'm going to go do things that are going to help me regulate Glass of cold water, rub ice cubes on my neck or on my wrists, cry, take a shower.
Speaker 1:Yeah, these are really good Wow.
Speaker 2:Go for a walk. You know simple things, but really help us regulate. Now that I'm feeling regulated, I come back to the conversation. Help me understand. I want to see your perspective. So do not underestimate the power of the pause, because we say stuff in the heat of the moment and it creates ruptures and of course we can always repair. But why get to that point if we can just remove ourself from the situation until we can come back and say it in a kinder, softer, more curious tone?
Speaker 1:A lot of what you're saying reminds me a lot of the things that we talked about in a previous episode, when we talked about mindfulness, about you know, pausing, about being in the moment, about I suppose it provides an immediate state change and kind of snaps you out of that headspace. I really like that one. I'm probably going to steal it, if that's okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, please, please do, Because you know, when you're rubbing ice on the back of your neck, that's where your vagus nerve is. That's how you activate the parasympathetic, so it's one of the fastest ways. If you don't have ice, take like frozen peas from the freezer and just put it on your back and you'll notice. You'll notice within a couple of slow, deep breaths, you start to feel more grounded and at ease, and the same happens here with your wrists. So or just put your face in the freezer. That's powerful too.
Speaker 1:I wanted to touch on something you said earlier. I didn't want to get, I didn't want to lose what you were saying, but it was a small little thing, but it just struck me. You said set your partner up for success. You know, give them the tools to succeed. And I just I thought that was wonderful. I mean, it's such a good reminder that, like you're a team, you're not trying to win. The point is you want them to-compassion and not just, you know, shame ourselves for it and then you go back and repair, like you said. But I just I thought that was great. Are there any other ways that we can set our partners up for success? Give them the tools, like you said.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely so. You know in your previous episode with the five languages, that's a great way to set yourself up and your relationship, because relationship wins, you win. Exactly as you said, we are a team. It's never me versus you, it's us versus the problem. Whatever challenge comes, we will figure it out together.
Speaker 2:So five languages is great, five love languages this is how I like to be loved. So you're kind of letting the person know, and the whole premise of the love languages is you want to love your partner how they want to be loved, not how you want to be loved. So it's like if this person loves quality time, making sure I do that, even if my love language is not quality time, but I want to be, even if my love language is not quality time, but I want to be intentional with their love language. So you've already covered that. I love that. It's a great tool. So I highly recommend everyone to go back to that episode and listen to it for a refresher.
Speaker 2:Love languages Another great way is to really learn how to express your needs and to be vocal about it and say, like you know, I feel and this is one of my favorite sentences I feel X when Y happens. So I feel so loved when you pump the gas for me without me having to ask, right? So you're kind of telling the person when you do this, this is how I feel. And guess what? Everyone inside of them loves it when they make someone else happy. It's just an innate nature of people. Why? Because it makes me feel like my presence matters, right, that there's value of mine in this dynamic. So when you're telling the person, thank you so much for doing that, it made me feel so seen.
Speaker 2:Or when you do this, I feel that I've spoken to many men and they've always told me and I'm speaking from a woman's perspective, but I have a lot of male clients and they tell me it's so powerful for them when they know what makes them happy, because it's very simple, like, okay, they've created a formula, if I do this, she'll be happy, so I'll do more of this, she'll be happier, and it's like a positive loop that we'll get into. So you don't want to overcomplicate things, it's really just. You know, when you do X, I feel Y and gratitude, appreciation. We want to step outside of expectation and realize that, the way my partner is showing up, they don't have to do that, they want to do that, and so I want to acknowledge that and I want to honor that. And honoring is not submission. Honoring is the most powerful thing you can do for your partner. I see you, I see what you're doing for us and I appreciate it and it makes me feel a certain way, and I want you to know how that makes me feel.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, no, just really really great stuff. So we touched on some really powerful things, some tactics, some overall approaches that we can take towards our relationships. Going into Valentine's Day, but not everyone is in the midst of a romantic relationship. Different people are in different seasons of their lives and for the individuals who maybe aren't in the middle of a romantic relationship, I think Valentine's Day can feel a little bit daunting, or even lonely or alienating. What advice would you give to those individuals?
Speaker 2:Thank you for asking that and I completely agree with you. I think also the way it's being marketed like the way Valentine's Day is being marketed plays a big role in that trigger. But you know, if we can reframe the way we look at Valentine's Day, if we can look at Valentine's Day as just honoring the energy of love, now that can be love of self, that can be love of sisterhood or brotherhood. You know that, friendships, those safe spaces where you feel seen, love of community, love of family, and just leaning into that energetic frequency of love. It's not necessarily about romantic love, but it's how can I tap into that frequency? How can I cultivate that? Even in my own life?
Speaker 2:One of my favorite things to ask my clients and I love to remember to do this every day as well is when I wake up in the morning and I ask myself how can I make love to my life? And you know, in a very romantic way of how can I enjoy every moment of today? So when I'm having my coffee, I don't want to be mindlessly scrolling, I want to enjoy that coffee. When I'm sitting with my partner for breakfast, I want to be present with them. When I'm at work, I want to be fully immersed in that zone of genius. For me, that is love. For me, that is how can I love every moment of my life, how can I bring joy, inject intentional joy, and if we can just take this reminder and apply it to that specific day as well, whether we're with our friends or with ourselves, or with our family or with our partner, it's not about the gifts, it's about how can I inject that energetic frequency into every second of that 24 hours and, of course, beyond, but let's specifically for that day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, one day at a time, one step at a time. We often stereotype love to only be romantic love and there are so many other types, like you said. You've got familial love, platonic love, self-love, love of a hobby or of life, and Valentine's Day, like you said. As you know, the cynical will call it a Hallmark holiday. But you know, some of that does have an effect because it's very, very marketed, as this is couples day, you know, and if it's really about love, then we can express that in so many different ways. So I've heard you talk about the concept of fighting fair and I would love to touch on that. I think it could provide a lot of value to everyone listening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, fighting fair. Fighting fair has a lot of elements. So you know, when it comes to just any type of relationship, I always tell people it's 50% the inner work that you've done, so it's your past conditioning your beliefs, your baggage, your wounds, and it's 50% relational skills, learning the skills, and these are not skills that we were taught in school. No one told us how to communicate, no one told us how to fight. If anything, fighting has such a negative connotation. Conflict has a negative connotation, and if there's a couple that comes to me and says we never fight, that's never a good sign.
Speaker 2:It just means that someone is abandoning their needs, abandoning themselves, to please the other person. And so I want to encourage people to have arguments. But how can we have arguments in a way that feels fair, in a way that feels respectful? And even if we cross that boundary, can we learn how to repair the art of repairing? So it's such a big concept but, to summarize it, fighting fear is a few things.
Speaker 2:One, I am going to keep the focus on the problem and not make it about you, and that's one of the four horsemen that the Gottman Institute talks about. So these are the four communication faux pas that you shouldn't do, because, again, research shows that if we do engage in them, relationship will end most likely in divorce, especially with the last one, contempt being over 90% predictor of divorce. So the first one is criticism. So, again, the problem is not you now, the problem is not the dirty dishes. The problem is you are a messy person, you are dirty, you are selfish, it's very you, you, you oriented. And guess what, if you keep telling someone you are this, you are that, they're going to get defensive, which is the second horseman. Now, if I'm getting defensive, I'm going to show up in two ways Either I'm going to say I'm dirty, you are this. So now I'm going to become critical back to you and we're going to ping pong until it's world war three. Or I'm going to say going into martyr mode you don't care about me, I was doing this all day. You're going into that victimhood.
Speaker 2:Consciousness doesn't really resolve the problem because you haven't acknowledged the other person's pain or dilemma. So criticism and defensiveness are two things we want to avoid. The third one is we briefly talked about it it's stonewalling. So what is stonewalling? And men tend to stonewall more it means my body is in a state of physiological flooding. I want to say something, but nothing comes out. And oftentimes, you know, a woman will be like hello, am I talking to a wall? Like where are you? It's not that he's not paying attention, it's just the speed at which the information came to him is much faster than he can process. And I'm using he because, again, more men experience it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, statistically totally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the reason being is, as women, we've always been around circles where we're talking about our emotions. We're much more familiar with the process of expressing emotions because it was normalized as kids, whereas it wasn't normalized for men. So physiological flooding when it happens, no matter what you say, it goes in one ear and goes out the other. Your partner doesn't have the capacity to process it in that moment. In that moment you need to give that person a timeout. If you're noticing them experiencing that. You express a timeout If the person who's experiencing the physiological flooding, then also the onus is on them to say you know T, or stop or pause, because they know that they don't have the capacity and the nervous system to continue this conversation. So fighting fair is if I see my partner experiencing that, I'm going to take a step back.
Speaker 2:That's the third one, and the fourth one is contempt, and contempt is what the Gottman Institute sees as the biggest predictor of divorce, and that's where there's no more respect present in the relationship. There's nonverbal contempt and verbal. Verbal is sarcasm, belittling. Were you raised in a barn that you're this dirty? Um, you know what kind of family were you in this?
Speaker 2:like holier than thou attitude yeah yes, and nonverbal is rolling your eyes, sig, sighing, smirking at that moment, you know, and I also want to be create space for grace because I've done all four.
Speaker 1:I was going to say everyone does some of these. Sometimes we're human.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you know we all have a go-to horseman, so it's the one that we tend to grasp for during conflict. And again, it's because of how we were conditioned, the environment we grew up in where one parent was very critical, we tend to pick up on that language. So you are who you are because of what you've been through. But when you know better, you can do better. So knowing these four horsemen is so powerful because awareness is key. Like hearing me, oh, maybe my go-to horseman is defensiveness Great. So what's the antidote of defensiveness? It's taking accountability. I understand. Let's work on a solution together. I can understand how frustrating that is when you come home and this part of the house is a mess. Let's figure out a way that we can, you know, figure like, fix it together, solve it together.
Speaker 1:Like you said, us versus the problem solve it together.
Speaker 2:Like you said, us versus the problem. Yes, us versus the problem Again. Oh, I noticed that I, you know, my go-to is stonewalling. Okay, maybe I need to figure out a sign language that I can tell my partner to go for a pause. If my go-to is criticism, I need to learn how to express myself without attacking the character. So, hey, when I come home and the dishes are unwashed, I feel so anxious. Can we figure out a solution? So this is fighting fear. Fighting fear is recognizing what your go-to horseman is, learning the antidote and practicing it and practicing methods of repair. So that when I messed up, hey, I noticed I was really critical early on with you. I want to apologize. Can we try this conversation again? Accountability is one of the sexiest traits that any partner can bring with them into a relationship.
Speaker 1:Wow, the way you laid it out is just so good. There were so many different things that were going off in my head as I was hearing all of that. Often, two people think that they're communicating, but really neither of them actually got across what they were trying to say. So did a communication truly take place if neither of them accomplished it? I noticed how clearly you brought up the you statements and then you kind of subtly showed in your example I statements. I feel this way, when you know, and how that subtle shift made such a big difference in it brain on this, one I've been trying to use and I've seen some pretty good success with I actually got it from Brene Brown was, instead of saying you're doing this, if I catch myself jumping to a conclusion saying either an I statement or the story I'm telling myself is that you are upset with me about this. Do you feel that that's helpful? Should I tweak it a little bit? Is that a helpful approach?
Speaker 2:Thank you, david, for sharing that Such a good approach, because it's our stories of each other that are in the playing field. Right, the story I'm telling myself? This is how I'm perceiving it. Correct me if I'm wrong. This is how I'm understanding it, and I want to use an example related to Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2:If you have this belief again, everything goes back to beliefs. If I have a belief that if someone loves you, they'll spend money on you, okay, this is a belief that I have my partner comes and says oh, I planned a picnic for us. Okay, so, because they have a belief that when you love someone, you plan experiences for them. So these are two different beliefs that are coming into a relationship, very, very common. Now, in that moment, it would make the world of a difference if one partner goes.
Speaker 2:Listen, the story I'm making up in my mind is you don't love me. That's why you didn't get me an expensive gift. Help me understand, tell me more about your beliefs, show me what was your thought process. And again, we're being very curious. It's like you know, the whole point of a relationship is every single day, you want to set an intention, to get to know the internal state of your partner. What's going on in their mind. Your sentence was so powerful Like. This is the story I'm making and guess what the partner is going to be like? No, no, no, that's not at all.
Speaker 1:In fact, I thought if I do this experience?
Speaker 2:you know, I thought if I do this experience, you're going to think I love you more. It's more thoughtful than buying you a gift. Oh great, yes, but I actually value gifts. I love that. What can we do to meet each other halfway? Maybe for Valentine's Day we could do material stuff, and then maybe for our anniversary we can do experiences. This is compromise, but you are not going to get to that point unless you have that very vulnerable. Share of this is the story that is in my mind. Correct me if I'm wrong, help me understand. So thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I'm going to flip it around on myself, because I shared something that I thought would be helpful, but I wanted to see if you had any you know tweaks or feedback, so I'm glad that that's a good one. I'll keep using it. I think sometimes I have trouble letting something go, not like from an angry standpoint, but just like I feel what it needs to be as a result of this drive, and it's something I'd like to work on.
Speaker 1:And oftentimes you know there's context for everything but oftentimes, when we have a hard time letting something go, it's because we don't feel heard for why we feel the way we feel.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's yep. I want to feel heard, I want to feel validated. And here is the nuance it's people think if I validate you, it means I agree with you. No, you can validate someone and not agree with them, that's okay. I see you the way you want to be seen. I hear you the way you want to be heard. Tell me more about that. Tell me more about your experience. Right, and I understand why you feel the way you feel Doesn't mean I agree with it, but I understand it. And just you know, when someone feels understood that hey, I'm not crazy for feeling this way or there's not something wrong with me for feeling this way, then I have more willingness, more openness to moving forward from it.
Speaker 1:But if I feel judged, judgment keeps us stuck usually, Okay, that makes a lot of sense and, for the record, hannah is a very good listener. It's not so much there. I think I just need to do a better job of embracing the difference between understanding and agreement.
Speaker 1:And I think just that subtle mindset shift would definitely help me let go, because I think there are times where she understands and I am not making that distinction. So, um, thank you, I appreciate that there was. There was some really good insight there. Um, I noticed you were talking about the nervous system a good amount before, especially with the Ice Cube hack and the vagus nerve, and I'd like to dive into that a little more. How would you say that nervous system and regulation of it or how it overall works, plays into our relationships? Do you feel that it's a major aspect or do you feel that it's not that related?
Speaker 2:Nervous system regulation is the foundation of every relationship you have with every area of your life from money. So the amount of money that shows up in your life equates to how safe your body feels receiving that amount Meaning the more Interesting. I need to feel safe to receive that. Sometimes people think like sometimes we're scared of our wishes coming true because we don't know how we're going to respond to it. Will this amount feel safe? And remember, anything that's unfamiliar does not feel safe to our body. That's why we repeat unhealthy patterns in relationships and unhealthy habits. It's familiar, but familiar doesn't always mean good. So with money, it's how much feels safe for me to hold, for me to have? Or do I think that if I get a lot of money, people are going to use me? You know I'm going to change my character, all these different beliefs that we might have. So even with money, it's the root of it.
Speaker 2:But with relationships, the reason is, the foundation of it is I cannot be myself if I'm dysregulated. I cannot be graceful as much as I'd like to be, I cannot be compassionate as much as I'd like to be, and in conflict I literally cannot hear anything. So again, there's so much research on when someone is dysregulated, when you're speaking to them, they cannot process it. The part of their brain that processes information shuts down. So I can't communicate, we can't have conflict resolution and that's more and more ruptures happening. So that's in terms of relationship with someone else. Same applies with your coworkers.
Speaker 2:You know, when you're in like that stressed out mood, I notice it. I'm like when I'm in that frustrated, dysregulated state, someone breathes loud next to me. I'm like staring at them. I'm like why are you breathing? So it really does impact our capacity, our window of tolerance. So our window of tolerance is our ability to handle challenges. The smaller it gets, the less we're able to navigate it and handle it. And again, window of tolerance becomes smaller. The more dysregulated we are, the less proactive we are with regulation work. So think of it this way the more you work on nervous system regulation, the more proactive you become with it. So, just reminding yourself take slow, deep breaths throughout the day, do some tapping, do some grounding, do some shaking, some grounding, do some shaking. Regulate yourself, the more you're able to navigate life's inevitable challenges with a little bit more grace, with a little bit more ease. So it really does impact every area of your life.
Speaker 1:I'm just kind of reflecting. We've talked about this concept of filling up your inner cup so that you can some of the positive psychology six human needs mindfulness but it sounds like nervous system regulation is really a big one for that. If you don't have your nervous system under that regulation, it's very hard to show up for other people. Very hard to show up for other people Because, like you said, certain parts of your brain are literally turned off during that, making you not show up in the way that you wish you would in those situations, given hindsight, 2020. And I know it's been talked about more recently in the public, but I still feel that that is really an underappreciated and under talked about issue, especially because and not that we're going to get super deep into that but trauma can have a huge effect on your nervous system.
Speaker 1:Yes, and many of us have capital T, like big T trauma and little t traumas, and those all have effects on our nervous system that often make us, like you said, act in ways that aren't how we want to, and a lot of times, those things can explain why you're like why did they just do that?
Speaker 1:That makes no sense. Well, you don't know what else happened in their life that you know causes them to react that way in that specific situation. Life that you know causes them to react that way in that specific situation. Getting a little off topic here, but I just really wanted to hammer home that, like you and I agree wholeheartedly on this one that nervous system regulation is such a huge factor. At different points in the conversation we've talked about expressing our needs, so I kind of want to touch on that for a little bit, if you're cool with it. How does the topic of vulnerability, especially in the context of a relationship with a partner, relate to getting your needs met, and are there important things people should know about how or when and if you should share your needs with your partner?
Speaker 2:Loved. If Relational safety is the number one prerequisite for vulnerability, meaning I feel safe to share, knowing that what I share you will not use against me in the future. So this is so important and the body is so wise. Pay attention to how your body feels in that moment. Do you notice yourself? You know closing your hands. Do you notice your shoulders? You know being hunched? Because you will feel if you feel safe with this person or not. Right Again, body is the smartest entity to go. Right again, body is the smartest entity to go, although sometimes the body can. You know, the body holds score, so previous trauma can manifest in different ways. So, yes, there are exceptions, but generally speaking, body is smart. So pay attention to how your body is feeling with that person. Do I feel safe with this person? Do I feel emotionally safe? Meaning, is this person a nonjudgmental person? When I've shared with them before, have they been receptive to receiving it? Because if I keep sharing and you keep pushing it off, I'm not going to want to share anymore, because my sharing is not understood, is not valued, is not seen. So relational safety is key. Ask yourself do I feel safe Now? If I feel safe, when is when we both have the capacity and the time. This is really important.
Speaker 2:People think just because their partner has time, it means that they have the capacity to hear you out. So just ask like, hey, do you have the capacity right now to have a serious conversation? Or hey, I want to talk to you about something. When is a right time? When is a good time for you? I have a lot on my plate tonight. Do you want to grab lunch tomorrow? Do you want to talk over dinner? So really asking that person, getting an invitation to when you want to share. We don't want to just dump on our partners, because if your partner had a really shitty day at work and they come home and you dump it on them because they've had a shitty day at work, they might snap at you right and they're like, ah, or they might respond in a different way. Now, in that moment you feel that this person doesn't care for me, they don't love the relationship, they're not invested. Now there's a rupture from both ends and it kind of turns into a lose-lose situation. But if the partner comes home and you're like, hey, honey, can we talk about something? They're like I had a really shitty day at work, can we do this tomorrow? That's how you're setting yourself up for success. You're setting each other up for success, yourself and the relationship. So that's the when and then the how.
Speaker 2:Again we go back to the I language. I feel this way. I feel so seen, I feel so valued, I feel so appreciated when you do that, can we have a little bit more of that? So, like when you plan date nights, I feel so valued. Can you schedule some more of that for us, please? That versus you don't care about me. You never plan anything. You don't love me Because you say that the person's like no, I do love you, but now I'm getting defensive. Nothing I do for you is enough. I give up. So language is so powerful. And two things I would say avoid when expressing your needs, two words that are like just throw it out of your vocabulary always, ever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, infinitives.
Speaker 2:You always do this. They're going to remember the one time they didn't do it. I always do that. Do not remember that, or you never do this. They're going to remember the time they did do it. You're not grateful, don't you remember X, y and Z?
Speaker 1:Every time that I, yeah, no, dangerous.
Speaker 2:Dangerous. Stay away from those two words.
Speaker 1:We talk a lot about shades of gray on this podcast. I have these kind of five core fundamentals. Not that I'm going to go through all of them, but that is a big part of them because it helps you see things with balance. It helps you have some flexibility and not see things in extremes and infinitives force you into an extreme, even if that's not how it actually is. So I want to point out a nuance.
Speaker 1:You made a very clear distinction between the I and the you again, and it was very powerful. But it wasn't just the switch of the I and the you. I noticed that you actually switched from pointing out the lack, because you could always say I feel underappreciated when this doesn't happen. I noticed that you reframed it to getting the same point across, but with a positive, with the I statement. When this happens, I feel appreciated, which is trying to incentivize more of the good thing as opposed to bringing down the hammer on the bad thing and shaming the person, because shame is often a pretty terrible long-term motivator. If somebody feels like crap about themselves, they don't have a lot of mental energy to go do the things, and I've just had light bulb after light bulb.
Speaker 1:Having this conversation with you has just been fantastic. I have learned so much Everyone listening to this. There is so much value. If you didn't get it all, go back and listen to this one again. You have just been wonderful throughout this whole podcast. But I want to touch on a couple things. You actually have your own podcast. It's called Minutes on Growth, right, and that's been around for far longer than we've been around here at the sage solutions podcast 2017. So well, pre-pandemic, um. So yeah, you are a very well-established podcast with uh community around it and, um, do you have anything else you would like to share? Any, any nuggets of wisdom or like small, little specific things for Valentine's Day specifically?
Speaker 2:Okay. So one thing I would like to say is really over. You know well two things. One is set boundaries for yourself around social media, because what you see on social media isn't necessarily you know the true experience of what you're seeing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so set some boundaries around that.
Speaker 2:Just remind yourself that you know, not everything you see is exactly as it is. So and don't, because you know, when we go on social media, the inner critic creates some comparisons which then, you know, negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, negative feelings lead to negative actions and this loop kind of continues. So have those boundaries and really just spend some time with your inner child. Even if you're in a relationship, like every day I like to ask myself what do you want to do Like? What do you want right now? What do you want to do Like what do you want right now? What do you want to eat? Just kind of really cultivating a strong connection with yourself. Because again, as cliche as it sounds, the relationship you have with yourself is the foundation of the relationship you have with others, and the relationship you have with your nervous system is a foundation of the relationship you have with yourself. Relationship you have with your nervous system is a foundation of the relationship you have with yourself.
Speaker 1:So it's like you know the Russian dolls. You pull one out and there's another one inside of it.
Speaker 2:It all comes around, yeah, just taking some time this week. You know, it's self-care isn't just bubble baths. It's you sitting down and taking slow, deep breaths. It's you putting your feet on grass. If you're somewhere that's warm, it's you drinking water. It's you splashing cold water on your face. It's these small moments, it's not the grand gestures and I think I could link this to Valentine's Day as well.
Speaker 2:The health of a relationship is not determined by the big like grand gestures, right? Those like once-a-year gestures. No, it's accumulation of the small, consistent gestures. It's the same with ourself. We don't suddenly heal and change by going to, you know, that one class or reading that one book. It's that accumulation, that consistent action and effort that we put into ourselves. So I know the marketing of Violent High Stay wants you to focus on that one big gesture. But notice the small ways your partner is showing up for you, that you are showing up for you, that your friends are showing up for you. Show appreciation and cultivate those. It's a better investment in the long term if you focus on the small gestures, consistent gestures.
Speaker 1:No, that makes a lot of sense. So for that day too, you know you might have a bigger thing planned, but don't only focus on that bigger thing Throughout the day. Send those little texts, those little reminders. Do little things touch all those different love languages. That makes a lot of sense and the consistency that is so big. Don't just immediately drop all of that the day after Valentine's Day and have it not mean anything. So I have two more questions for you. First of all, do you have any questions for me before we wrap it up here?
Speaker 2:So, since it's Valentine's Day, and I know how much you honor your wife, I'd love for you to share with us one thing that you're grateful for in your marriage.
Speaker 1:I am grateful that I get to spend every day with my best friend, with somebody that makes me feel so loved and who is just so fun to just do silly things with it's not always about the serious stuff. I am so grateful that I can just be a goofball with her and that she feels safe enough to do the same with me. I've got to say that's something I'm incredibly grateful for. I've got to say that's something I'm incredibly grateful for.
Speaker 2:I love that, the safety you touched on, relational safety. You touched on acceptance. You touched on, you know, feeling comfortable being yourself. The other person Touched on so many of those elements. I love that. Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, thank you. So, Tanaz, you do relationship coaching. You do a lot of different stuff. I heard eBooks. Where can somebody find you? Where can somebody connect with you if they were interested in maybe looking into some of your services or some of the material that you produce, or your podcast? How can people connect with you?
Speaker 2:Thanks for asking so everywhere on Minutes on Growth. So website is minutesongrowthcom, instagram, tiktok all of those are Minutes on Growth. If you go on my website, there's an ebook on 11 Tools for Nervous System Regulation. They're simple, really practical tools that you can try out, see what works for you, you know, create your toolbox, put all of these different modalities and tools in there so you're always prepared and you can reach out for the one that resonates most in that moment of trigger. So I have that ebook. Podcast is the same and, yeah, just all platforms minutes on growth and you know, feel free, DM me.
Speaker 2:I love connecting with people, hearing their stories, and I hope the content serves you and really enables you to build healthier relationships, because the Harvard research shows that our experience of reality is most impacted by the quality of our relationships. So we can create better relationships. We can enjoy life more. We can be better friends. We can be better partners. We can be better. You know siblings and children and parents and everything.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you for coming on today and sharing so much free value right before a time of love and connection with our loved ones. It's been a real pleasure having you on. Thank you once again, Taniz.
Speaker 2:Thank you, David.
Speaker 1:And remember you are enough and you deserve to fill up your inner cup with happiness, confidence and self-compassion. Thank you for listening to the Sage Solutions Podcast. Your time is valuable and I'm so glad you choose to learn and grow here with me. If you haven't already, don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on more sage advice. One last thing the legal language. This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. No coaching client relationship is formed. It is not intended as a substitute for the personalized advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.