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Transform Your Relationships With The 5 Love Languages
Unlock the secret to deeper connections in your relationships by understanding the five love languages with us. Have you ever wondered why your partner doesn’t seem to feel loved despite your efforts? Learn how recognizing and speaking your partner's love language can transform your relationship. Together with my co-host and wife, Hannah Sage, we unpack the essence of these unique expressions of love, from words of affirmation to physical touch, and explore the importance of identifying not only how you naturally express love but also how you want to receive it.
We journey through the complexities of love languages, illustrating how personal and familial experiences shape them and their impact on relationship dynamics. By sharing personal anecdotes and insights, we highlight the subtle ways love languages manifest, such as how gift-giving and acts of service can intertwine. With research-backed insights, we discuss how alignment in love languages enhances emotional intimacy, not just in romantic settings but in friendships and family interactions as well. We also provide practical tools like online quizzes to aid in discovering your love language, paving the way for enriched relationships. Tune in to uncover how these revelations can be a game-changer in your connections.
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The Sage Solutions Podcast and content posted by David Sage is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. No coaching client relationship is formed by listening to this podcast. No Legal, Medical or Financial advice is being given. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a psychotherapist, physician, professional coach, Lawyer or other qualified professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk about all things personal growth, personal development and becoming your best self. My name is David Sage and I am a self-worth and confidence coach with Sage Coaching Solutions. With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, I couldn't think of a better topic for us to talk about than the one that we're talking about today. In this episode, we're diving into a topic that transforms the way people understand love and relationships the five love languages and I couldn't think of a better person to have here on with me today than my wife and co-host, hannah Sage.
Speaker 2:Hey guys.
Speaker 1:Whether you're looking to strengthen your romantic relationship, improve your friendships or simply understand yourself better, understanding love languages can be a game changer. Can be a game changer Before we get into it. Our goal with this podcast is to share free, helpful tools with you and anyone you know who is looking to improve their life.
Speaker 2:So take action subscribe and share this podcast with them. So I'm pretty familiar with the concept of the five love languages. But for those of you who are newer to it or need a refresher, because a lot of times you've heard of this concept but haven't always dug in deeper, where does the concept of the five love languages come from and what are they?
Speaker 1:The idea was introduced by Dr Gary Chapman, a world-renowned marriage counselor, and was widely popularized in his best-selling book, the Five Love Languages. According to Chapman, there are five primary ways that people give and receive love. These are number one words of affirmation. This love language is all about verbal expressions of love and appreciation Think compliments, encouraging words or even a simple I love you. For people who value words of affirmation, hearing kind and supportive words makes them feel truly loved. In practice, this might look like leaving thoughtful notes or sending a meaningful text message, verbally acknowledging people's efforts and qualities, or offering sincere and specific compliments.
Speaker 1:The second love language is acts of service. For those who speak this love language, actions truly do speak louder than words. Whether it's doing the dishes, running an errand or helping with a project, acts of service show love through effort and thoughtfulness. A couple of examples include helping with chores without being asked, preparing a meal when the person is stressed, running errands for them and fixing something they've been meaning to repair. The third love language is receiving gifts. This one isn't really about materialism, like some may think. It's about the thought and effort behind the gift, not just getting stuff. For people with this love language, a meaningful gift, no matter how small, is a powerful symbol of love and care. Some key aspects include that the gift does not need to be expensive the thoughtfulness matters more than the price remembering special occasions and selecting gifts that show a deep understanding of that person.
Speaker 1:The fourth love language is quality time. This love language is all about undivided attention, whether it's a deep conversation, a shared activity or just sitting together in silence. Quality time makes these individuals feel valued and connected. This means active listening, putting away phones and devices, engaging in meaningful conversations, shared experiences and activities, and prioritizing time together. The fifth and final love language is physical touch. For those who resonate with this love language, physical affection like hugs, holding hands or a pat on the back is like the ultimate way to feel loved and secure. Some examples of this include hugs holding hands. Include hugs holding hands, gentle touches, sitting close together, a good high five or fist bump and comforting physical presence. So those are the five love languages, but here's the thing, no-transcript.
Speaker 2:A quote from Gary Chapman is we must be willing to learn our spouse's love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. The quote emphasizes that love isn't just a feeling and it's a language that needs to be learned and spoken.
Speaker 1:It's a really good quote and it gets at the heart of what we're about to talk about, of what we're about to talk about, which is the important distinction between the love language that you speak, or the love languages that you speak and the ones you prefer to receive. For example, you might naturally express love through acts of service Maybe you're always helping out or doing things for other people, but when it comes to receiving love, you might feel more appreciated through words of affirmation. This disconnect can sometimes lead to misunderstandings in relationships. Think about it If you're constantly doing things for someone who values quality time, they might not feel as loved as if you simply sat down and had a meaningful conversation with them, spent some time and gave them your full attention. On the flip side, if your partner shows you with gifts, but what you really crave is physical touch, you might feel like something's missing.
Speaker 2:I can see where that can get very frustrating for the person who's receiving the love and the person who's giving the love. Because the giving the love you think that you are giving it your all You're like why can't they see that I love them? I'm showering them with gifts, I'm supporting them through acts of service, I'm telling them how much I love them, and yet they're still not receiving it.
Speaker 1:I'm telling them how much I love them and yet they're still not receiving it, which is why these different love languages calling them languages is pretty spot on. If I'm trying to communicate to somebody who only speaks Spanish, by speaking English, I'm not getting very far. They might see the intent that I'm trying to tell them something, but they're not receiving it. Now, it's not to that degree. Everyone speaks all of these love languages to some degree, so there is a little bit of shades of gray here. I don't think there's anybody that hates any of these love languages.
Speaker 2:I kind of always view it as a pie chart. There's a percentage of what you prefer, but every category will have some sort of percentage of that pie chart. For you it just depends on how much or how little.
Speaker 1:The key is recognizing both how you naturally express love and how you prefer to receive it, and to communicate that with the people in your life. I actually have a pretty good quote by Dr Chapman as well. I actually have a pretty good quote by Dr Chapman as well. We don't give love the way we think others want to receive it. We give love the way we want to receive it. Now, this isn't always the case, but I think, statistically speaking, it is most common that people speak and receive the same love language the most. That's not always the case, but psychologically it makes a lot of sense that if you really want to receive physical touch, it's much more likely that you're going to show love as physical touch, because we often project that the way that we think about things is the way everyone thinks about things. So if we like physical touch, everyone else must right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:This is why this quote reinforces the core idea that people often show love in ways that reflect how they wish to receive it, which is why understanding each other's love language is so important in maintaining healthy relationships instead of just assuming. Another layer to this is the idea of primary and secondary love languages. While most of us have one dominant love language, we often have a secondary one that also resonates pretty well with us. For instance, your primary love language might be quality time, but you also appreciate words of affirmation quite a bit. Understanding this can help you and your loved ones create a more balanced and fulfilling dynamic. It's also worth noting that your love languages can shift over time, depending on your life circumstances or the nature of your relationships. This isn't something that is always the same for you throughout your entire life. During a stressful period, you might find yourself craving more acts of service, while in a long-distance relationship, you might crave physical touch more, and that might become more important.
Speaker 2:So, going back to that quote from Gary Chapman about receiving love, I feel like that's definitely come into play in our relationship at times. My primary love language is acts of service. I love it, but I tend to bend over backwards with acts of service to show my love to other people. But it's kind of funny because I don't think that's very high in importance in your love languages.
Speaker 1:I don't think that's very high in importance in your love languages. I know that my primary love language is words of affirmation yes, it absolutely is. And then I think my secondary love language, the one that is almost as high, would be physical touch physical touch.
Speaker 2:But going back to what I said about mine being acts of service, I can be like cleaning all day, laundry, getting dinner done, and then I don't know if you always notice fully, and that's okay, but in my mind I'm like, oh, feel all my love, and you're kind of like do, do, do, do, do. And then vice versa, there's days where you are telling me how incredible I am at like every moment of the day, how great you think I am, and I'm just like do-do-do-do-do, okay, yeah, yeah, move on, which is great, I love it. But it's cute realizing that maybe we're not technically giving our love to the other person in ways that they are going to notice it as much.
Speaker 1:Because we tend to be most fluent in speaking the same love language that we wish to receive. So it makes sense that if my number one is words of affirmation, my natural response is words of affirmation to you.
Speaker 2:And vice versa. My number one is acts of service, but it's funny because, like I said, words of affirmation isn't even in my top two and acts of service isn't in your top two.
Speaker 1:Acts of service is actually probably number four for me.
Speaker 2:I know it's so low down.
Speaker 1:Well, to be fair, though, I actually don't think it's it's that low because it's out of five, but I don't actually think it's that low, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:It's just that the other three, because number three for me would probably be quality time.
Speaker 2:Gotcha.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, then acts of service, and for me, gifts is dead last, but that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy gifts, you know.
Speaker 2:Going back to what I had said about the pie chart, so as David's talking about these, you can kind of imagine divided up into the five quadrants and they're all just a little bit different in regards to one might be a little bit bigger than the last kind of thing. So they still have some weight, they're just not as much.
Speaker 1:But it is pretty individualized. You might have somebody that like one piece of their pie is 60%, have somebody that like one piece of their pie is 60%, and then another one is like 25%, and then the other three make up the remaining 15%.
Speaker 1:Right, I think mine is a bit more evenly spread out. Okay, while words of affirmation is definitely the first one, if we're looking at it as a pie chart, I still receive the other ones pretty well. As far as receiving love languages, I'm reasonably well-rounded. I do actually feel love from all of them. It's just not necessarily in the same proportions.
Speaker 2:For me, my number one is definitely acts of service. That's how I show love, that's how I feel the most love. Second is quality time. Third is physical touch. Fourth, words of affirmation and fifth, receiving of gifts. Currently, though, I have to say, there have been times throughout my life and throughout our relationship that my love languages and the amount that is in that pie chart, in those quadrants, have shifted and changed. However, earlier on, probably the first couple years of us dating, I would say, words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch were higher because of the natural ebbs and flows of dating and wanting to be desired and wanting to feel desired and feel appreciated, and we also weren't living together at the time. So acts of service it definitely came up, but it wasn't as day-to-day as some of the other love languages, so they just weren't as important to me in regards of receiving love.
Speaker 1:Now that makes a lot of sense. Correct me if I'm wrong, but currently numbers two, three and four were quality time, physical touch and Words of affirmation. Yeah, words of affirmation Yep. Touch and words of affirmation yeah, words of affirmation yep. So you're saying that those three, probably still in that order, were shifted up and acts of service was just somewhere in there?
Speaker 2:probably, and they've probably been jumbled up at different times as well no, that makes sense, but I mean like if you were to take a snapshot yeah, but, like I said, I can literally take a snapshot of the first six months of us dating and I would say physical touch, because everything is new and exciting, um no that makes sense but then also quality time, like you were driving out to madison to be with me when we would only end up getting to actually see each other for very little amount of time right, and you and you were pretty busy so we didn't get to talk as much.
Speaker 1:So then I suppose, words of affirmations yeah, no, it makes sense Like so the situation often causes the changes. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think the situation in life changes it a lot, and then also how long you've been together. I think there's just different levels of comfortability, like now, words of affirmation I love them, they're beautiful, but they're not as high on my list, because I know how you feel about me and I'm pretty secure and confident in that. At times when I'm feeling more insecure, that does spike up and I'm going to need that a little bit more.
Speaker 1:So I'm getting an interesting insight out of this. I think paradoxically, and not all of the time. Obviously there's some nuance here, but paradoxically, I think, often if you are getting a lot of a certain love language because that need is being so fulfilled, the importance of it goes down in your brain.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then ones that aren't happening as much tend to get stronger. It's almost like there's a hierarchy of needs to them to some degree. But people also have kind of inherent biases. Your primary one is probably almost always going to be up there.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think a lot of times the relationships that you witness growing up in your adolescence does shape what your love languages tend to be. My dad was really good with acts of service. That was definitely his primary love language, so it's interesting to see how that has shaped my beliefs of showing how much I love you is getting things done and taking care of you.
Speaker 1:And, for the record, I do love your acts of service. That's not something that goes beyond me. Just like you said, you still notice and hear all of the words of affirmation.
Speaker 2:But to take the comparison even farther, my mom's love language is words of affirmation, which is cute that you and I have kind of morphed into that a little bit as well. So I've been able to see how those love languages can interact and the complexities also that come with that and the miscommunications that can arise from it when someone's love languages aren't being met.
Speaker 1:And I think because I'm getting my need for acts of service as a form of love met so well by you, kind of like what you were saying for my words of affirmation it actually falls lower on my list because I don't have a lack there.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:What's interesting, though, though, is that it does seem like gifts for both of us are consistently lower than the others, despite the fact that you are actually a very good gift giver. Let's talk about not just the languages that we understand and that we hear, but the love languages that we speak the most. Now, we've both touched on the primary one that we desire is also the one that is the primary one that we speak, but that doesn't mean that those are the only ones that we speak.
Speaker 1:Right only ones that we speak Right. And, like I said, despite the fact that you don't have gifts very high on your list, you are actually very good at speaking that love language because you put a lot of thought into your gifts and when people do have gifts high on their love languages, it really resonates with them.
Speaker 2:So it's interesting because in my mind, there's a little bit of an overlap between acts of service and gift giving. So, in regards to the gift giving, I'm thinking about what I've noticed that they are missing throughout the year, before their birthday or before Christmas. I'm thinking about, okay, what is something that they've mentioned that they need, that they desire, what is something that I've noticed that is missing, or what is something that I know that they would love? It's all still acts of service.
Speaker 1:So it's almost like you are getting a gift to provide a service in their life.
Speaker 2:Yes, I want them to feel taken care of.
Speaker 1:Interesting. I don't think I ever thought about it that way, but that makes sense. I feel like we are both pretty good at giving physical touch as a love, language and quality time Right, which those both being pretty high for both of us, I think works out really well. I think where we sometimes have the disconnect is on acts of service and words of affirmation acts of service and words of affirmation. But I've also noticed that over time, your words of affirmation have increased towards me and my acts of service have increased towards you as this relationship has went on.
Speaker 2:I feel like you don't realize how important it is to the other person. It might be something that you have a conversation about, it's like oh, you might say, okay, mine is words of affirmation. I may not fully actually register that until we've been together for a few years and realizing, like, where is this disconnect? Why doesn't he realize how much I love him?
Speaker 1:well, I think it also helps that we are aware of this topic, like of this concept of the five love languages, and that we've had several conversations and even like check-ins surrounding them.
Speaker 2:In conflicts. It's okay, it happens.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sure, no, totally. Definitely conflicts, and I think they're between the conversations, the check-ins, the awareness and the conflicts. All of those have made us more aware of each other's love languages. So I think it comes to our conscious thought more. We think to do those things more, because all of those things have accumulated in having a better awareness of the other person's preferred love languages. So we think of it more.
Speaker 2:Absolutely so, if someone doesn't have enough time to read Gary Chapman's book, which it's a very good book. But if you don't have the time to read it now, but you still want to know what your love language is, or you want to double check it or refresh what your love language is, because it might've shifted throughout the years, david, how would we find out what our love language is?
Speaker 1:The easiest way to figure out your love language is to actually go online and take the quiz at the5lovelanguagescom. If you're not sure what your love languages are, there are plenty of free quizzes online that can help you figure it out, including the official one by Dr Chapman. In a study called the Influence of Love Languages on Relationship Satisfaction in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, they found that understanding and aligning love languages can lead to greater relationship satisfaction and better emotional intimacy. We just talked a bunch about how the five love languages are a big factor in our relationship and pretty much just about any relationship. So let's talk about how the love languages play out different in different types of relationships. While the concept is often discussed in the context of romantic partnerships, it's almost as relevant for friendships and even family dynamics. In romantic relationships, understanding your partner's love language can help you meet their emotional needs more effectively. For example, if your partner's primary love language is physical touch, regular affection like holding hands or cuddling can strengthen that bond. In friendships, love languages might look a little different. For instance, acts of service could mean helping a friend move or being there for them during a tough time. Words of affirmation might look like sending an encouraging text or celebrating their achievements, and physical touch might be regular high fives, fist bumps or hugs when saying hello and leaving. The beauty of love languages is that they're universal. They apply to all kinds of relationships. By understanding and speaking the love languages of the people in your life, you can build deeper, more meaningful connections. You can build deeper, more meaningful connections. All right, let's get practical. How can you start applying this knowledge in your own life? Here's a few tips. One communicate. Share your love languages with your partner, friends or family members and encourage them to do the same. This can open up that whole new level of understanding and bring them to do the same. This can open up that whole new level of understanding and bring them to your awareness so that you can meet their needs better.
Speaker 1:2. Practice flexibility. Even if someone's love language doesn't naturally come to you, making an effort to speak it can make a huge difference. 4. Observe and adapt. Pay attention to how people in your life express love. It can give you clues about their love languages. 5. Be patient. Changing the way you give and receive love takes time, so be patient with yourself and with others as you navigate this journey. Love is a choice, and it's a choice we make every day. When you learn someone's love language, you start to truly see them for who they are and how they express their feelings. Dr Gary Chapman, this quote emphasizes the intentionality behind love and how learning someone's love language is not just about recognizing their needs, but also making a conscious decision to love them in the way that resonates most with them.
Speaker 1:Understanding the five love languages isn't just about improving your relationships. It's about personal growth. It encourages you to reflect on how you give and receive love, and it challenges you to step outside of your comfort zone and to meet the needs of others. So, whether you're in a romantic relationship, nurturing a friendship or simply working on understanding yourself better, I hope this episode has given you some valuable insights, and remember you are enough and you deserve to fill up your inner cup with happiness, confidence and self-compassion. Thank you for listening to the Sage Solutions Podcast. Your time is valuable and I'm so glad that you choose to learn and grow here with me. If you haven't already, don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on more Sage advice. One last thing the legal language. This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. No coaching client relationship is formed, it is not intended as a substitute for the personalized advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.